I'm moving

I'm leaving this blog site because it's been too difficult for people to make comments. My new blog site is http://monagustafsonaffinito.com  I hope the name is easy to remember since it reflects the only person I can't live without. There you can sign up to follow my blog so I won't have to send out personal notices every time I blog. In fact, there are quite a few entries up there already.

I hope you'll move with me, because I'd love to have your company.

CHANGING SITES

Yes, I am still around, coming out from under the accumulated expected and unexpected avalanche that seems to follow every delightful week away. This time was February 4-11 at the John C. Campbell Folk School in Brasstown, North Carolina. If you’re not familiar with it, I do recommend at least googling it. Away from TV, radio, and even alcohol, deep in the Appalachians, it’s a kind of camp for adults, except that the myriad of crafts offered are no-fooling-around projects. Several years ago when I was there I took a writing course which turned out to be very important for me because the teacher encouraged me to get down to business with “Mrs. Job.” This time I took a class in clay portraits. With three other women in the class, each of whom in some way had more experience than I, and a terrifically competent and patient teacher with an amazing method, the week was more than wonderful. I even managed to turn out something that looks decent to folks who don’t have the other’s products with which to compare it. Right now what I have is a photo. My instructor will fire it for me when it’s ready for firing – slowly, he said, and then ship it to me. See the upload at the beginning of this blog. (I do agree it's a good thing I chose psychology, not art, but it was fun.)

As for the point of this entry: I’m working – and I mean working – on starting a blog at a different source where it will be easier for you to comment. So often I’ve received e-mails from folks who said they would have commented, but it was a hassle to get through the rigmarole. I’ve commented easily on other people’s blogs at this new site. I want that for you. It’s a bit discouraging having no dialogue, just shouting my opinions out into thin air without getting a discussion going. I’m hoping for better on the new location.

Once I complete the confusing process of designing it, I’ll let you know, hoping you’ll not only stay with me but will join a conversation as well.

MRS. JOB AS HERO, AND FORGIVENESS

This past Sunday we watched a DVD in the series of interviews Bill Moyer did with Joseph Campbell. Even as I watched what seemed like a discussion between ego and the collective unconscious I realized that Mrs. Job qualifies as a hero.

At that same gathering, another person told me he’d been re-reading my forgiveness books, finding things he didn’t notice the first time through. Of course I was thrilled that he was going through the forgiveness materials again, and it pointed out to me how much our readiness influences what we take in and use.

And that takes me to Mrs. Job’s cover. If I wanted to, I could see the responses falling in two categories – those that are ego oriented, i.e., what would best sell the book, and those that more subtly tap into unconscious emotional response. Since my question was really an ego one, I looked for guides to sales. But even there, the more non-ego responses seemed helpful.

OK. Let me get specific. Most everyone who responded said they liked the Mrs. Job cover as it is, citing especially its serenity and symbolism. At the same time, they seemed to agree that a sexier cover might sell better. Very few said they liked my suggestions for change of title, though it was thought that sales might be better if I were to use “Mrs. Job’s Journey,” suggesting mystery and intrigue. One person wondered whether she would have been “Mrs. Job” in her day and suggested “Job’s Wife.” I have to admit I wish I had realized how the mispronunciation of “Job” would have affected people’s interpretation of the title.  “Job’s Wife” would have encouraged a more correct pronunciation, I think.

So, where has this left me? Very grateful for the responses I received, and still wondering what to do. I admit it doesn’t seem worth it to put more money into the project at this point. But please keep thinking for me and letting me know the result. 

MRS. JOB NEEDS HELP           

I’ve talked before about the five reasons why Mrs. Job doesn’t sell. (See my website http://forgivenessoptions.com/content/9/mrs-job )

Now I plan to do something about it. And here’s where I need help. Please give me your opinion, either here or on my website or by e-mail. What I’m looking for is a way to make it reach out to more people, so whether you’ve read it or not (and I won’t ask … ) I want to hear from you.  Here’s what I plan to do on the cover to make it clearer and more appealing.

(1) I made the mistake of leaving the Ph.D. after my name so people think it’s a heavy academic tome – or maybe a self-help book. It’s not. It’s a love story. SOLUTION: I’ll remove the Ph.D from after my name.

(2) People think it’s a religious treatise because it’s about biblical Job. It’s not a treatise. Yes, it is true to the events that happened to him in the biblical story, but it’s fiction built around those events.

(3) Some people think it’s a “liberal” tome, calling into question some biblical beliefs. It’s not. See (2) above

POTENTIAL SOLUTONS: I’ll change the name to counteract the assumptions in (2) and (3) above. I’ve had a few ideas. My first was to change it to “Mrs. Job: A Love Story.” A member of my writer’s group suggested “Mrs. Job’s Journey,” even as they expressed the opinion that it should have a colon and something after it. My daughter said I shouldn’t put either of those out there so people could come up with their own original ideas, but I decided to give you a sense of the kind of thing I’m looking for. PLEASE HELP WITH OPINIONS or SUGGESTIONS, I’ll repay you with gratitude and appreciation.

(4) Many apparently think it’s about working people, or maybe the wife of Steve Jobs, because they don’t pronounce “Job” right. SOLUTION: I don’t know. Maybe changing the title will help overcome that, or maybe a line above the “o,” alerting people that it’s a long “o.” SUGGESTIONS?

(5) There are those who don’t buy it because they already have, and liked it so much they’ve been lending it to their friends. And that’s why their friends don’t buy it. NO SOLUTIONS NEEDED. I think that’s a fine reason.

I INTEND ALSO TO CHANGE THE COVER. I know at least two people who love the cover, one of whom says it won’t, however, sell the book, even though she loves it. I think first off a lighter background will help, and I have a few ideas I’ve been running past a graphic artist. I’ll put those out there when they get closer to some kind of finalization. In the meantime, I’m eager for suggestions.

If you want to take a look at the cover as it is now, click on the link in the first paragraph.

'TIS THE SEASON

I love this day! – The Winter Solstice. From now on more sunlight, more cheer.

I love this holiday season too. I have been blessed with a Santa Claus Christmas since my childhood. I know that’s a blessing I don’t share with everyone, a fact which makes me sad. But the music and the memories make me glad as well, along with deep gratitude to my family. I especially love the fact that MPR’s classical station plays so much more choral music during this period.

I love realizing that I’ve made it through another year with good health. If all goes as planned I’ll enjoy another healthy Christmas with my family in a few days.

It’s the Holiday, really. I wish joy for everyone, however you celebrate the coming of the sunlight.

And wouldn’t it be glorious if our thoughts of peace were to become more concrete in 2012? That’s my wish.

FUN AT THE ADLER CAFÉ

Last evening I had a good time first enjoying a potluck feast and then with the chance to chat with Adler folks and friends on the topic of forgiveness. (I sneaked in a bit on Mrs. Job as well.) What a neat group! I understand that a common comment at the end was “It’s necessarily complex.” That it is. Lots of discussion followed my suggestion that “to forgive is to accuse.” After it was all over, one person asked whether it’s possible to forgive someone without their knowing that you have even accused them, to say nothing of forgiving them. The answer? – an unhesitating “yes.” Forgiving is basically for the forgiver.

While we were chatting after the session was over, one woman conveyed her thanks to women of my generation for the work we had done for women. It got me started – remembering when my daughter at 13 couldn’t switch from her pediatrician to a woman physician because one was not available – women were not allowed residencies at the local hospitals. Then I went on remembering – no women pharmacists, anchors on the evening news, reporters from all over-including war zones, police officers, mail carriers, military personnel, fill in the blanks. Certainly there were no women in authority on CSI (but then, I guess there was no CSI.) The point? Change happens, best observed when we look back. Back when Lou, the Italian Catholic, married me, a Swedish Lutheran, it was a mixed marriage. Today it would hardly qualify.

The lesson? We best understand what we’ve been living through when we look back at it. Sort of hopeful, I think.

HELP OTHERS KEEP THEIR DIGNITY

           

Sometimes clients attribute their own wisdom to me. I think that was the case recently when a client told me she found it helpful that I had said it’s important to help others keep their dignity. I’d like to believe I said it. I certainly agree with it.

Some behavioral stuff that’s important in following through on that is focusing on the other and, though it sounds like an oxymoron, doing that by making no “you” statements, as in judging, but rather using “I,” as in recognizing and expressing my own feelings and opinions in a respectful way -- taking responsibility for myself. Well, there are exceptions. I love receiving a “you” statement that suggests, as she did, that I had been helpful. It’s the blaming yous or the guessing-how-you-are-feeling yous that deprive others of dignity.

OK, that’s my thought for the day. Confusing? Hmm. Maybe that’s why I need clients to translate my psychobabble into English.

DEVASTATION IN CONNECTICUT

Thanks to my friend in Connecticut who feels fortunate to have access to power at her worksite. For those of us who aren't there, here's a sense of what it's like for those who are.

It’s now Day 6 with no heat, hot water, electricity, telephone...nothing!  This includes no gasoline at the pumps, food spoilage, and no stove for cooking. I’ve never seen such a storm (18-24” snow) such as the one we had this past weekend...actually I’ve never even seen snow in October.   What made this storm so deadly and the “perfect storm” was the combination of water-logged soil from Hurricane Irene, excessive moisture in the air, and trees fully laden with their fall leaves. Nature’s “gift” of hail; heavy, wet snow; icy roads, and (here’s another first) a thunder and lightning storm made for a truly apocalyptic night. In all my years in New England, I have never seen such horrific damage – not only did tree limbs break, but the whole tops of trees snapped off like candy canes.  Huge trees were uprooted and tossed about like matchsticks, ripping power lines from the poles, blocking roads, and destroying anything in their way.   The whole area now looks like a war zone, with everything closed.

IN THE INTEREST OF FAIRNESS AND FULL DISCLOSURE

This is Mr. McCabe's e-mail response to my previous posting re accusations of attempts to defraud and of lying - everything from this point on is a copy of what he sent, including his highlighting. (If it is confusing, most of it through my signature is a copy of my original correspondence with him which he has quoted.)

"OK,

I’ll just post your original email:

“ -----Original Message-----

 From: Mona [mailto:forgivenessoptions@earthlink.net]

 Sent: Friday, October 28, 2011 6:39 AM

 To: wpmccabe@wildoceanseafoods.com

 Subject: Double order

 Identified as customer ID 5017, I have a receipt for order #9045,

 dated 10:06 am, 10/20/2011 for the total amount of $23.43.

 I have received notice, however, that two orders have been sent, the

 other one numbered 9044. Also, my American Express Account has been

 charged twice.

 This is a surprise gift to the addressee and, unfortunately, you've

 already shipped it. But I don't want to pay double what I planned, and

 I don't want to burden them with a trip to return it. I'll notify my

 American Express account to withhold payment on the second shipment.

 Perhaps you can send Mr. MacGregor a self addressed envelope with

 which to return the other one.

 Please get back to me on how to handle this.

 Thanks,

 Mona Gustafson Affinito”

Our response will be posted as well.  Perhaps the next time you wish to “socialize” some correspondence, you will show your friends the complete dialog."

Forgive Wild Fresh Frozen Seafood for insult?

Forgiveness does not mean accepting abuse. Not having received the apology I asked for at the end of this episode, I'm sharing this story as widely as I can.

Anyone ordering from Wild Fresh Frozen Seafood should call within a few hours to confirm that only one order has been entered on their computer. The number to call is 800-980-2435   Or, if you raise a question, be prepared to be insulted.


Before I go on with the back story, I just noticed that he says I ordered Crab bibs. I ordered lobster bibs. I do hope he sent the right thing, or my gift recipient might be insulted. Fortunately he's a good friend so I'm sure it won't do too much damage.

This is the back story. I've emphasized some important lines in bold:

On 10/20/2011 I ordered a product for $23.43 and immediately received a confirmation for order #2045 - usual procedure when ordering on the web, I relaxed until I received notice on 10/27/2011 that two orders were being shipped, #2045 and #2044. My credit card had been charged twice.

            I assumed an error had been made. (I still assume it was all an error.) I sent an e-mail identifying the order numbers, saying, “This is a surprise gift to the addressee and, unfortunately, you've already shipped it. But I don't want to pay double what I planned, and I don't want to burden them with a trip to return it. I'll notify my credit card to withhold payment on the second shipment. Perhaps you can send [him] a self-addressed envelope with which to return the other one.

            Please get back to me on how to handle this.

Thanks,

Mona Gustafson Affinito"

In response I expected something like, “We apologize for the inconvenience. We will send a postage paid attachment for Mr. [  ] to return the extra item.” Instead I got an accusation that I was trying to defraud Mr. McCabe.

“Dear Monica, (Note the name change.)

You ordered two sets of crab bibs, we sent two sets.  We have no way of "charging your card" after you order..If you wish to return one, you will have to pay for return shipping. Should you feel that defrauding us of $22.43 is an appropriate response, we will challenge the attempted chargeback.”

            And then came the implied accusation that I’m a liar. When I responded that I had received only one receipt, he responded,”Regarding your receipt(s).  You got two.  Every completed order has an emailed receipt.  This function has never failed.”

             I’m willing to concede I may have hit the “finish” button twice, in which case I would expect I would have received two receipts. Then I would have called to cancel the second order before it was shipped. I’d also be willing to apologize for the error. The truth is, I never received the second receipt. Believe me, if I were going to start a career of fraud at this stage in my long squeaky clean life, I’d aim for something more than $23.43.

            Anyway, I told him to accept the $23.43, that I forgave him for the insult, and I’d like an apology. I waited for that before posting this. None was received, so here I am.

Mona Gustafson Affinito

http://www.forgivenessoptions.com

Empty Bowls

Thanks to my friend Anne Sinclair for sending this --

One way we here in Santa Barbara raise money for the Food Bank at this crucial time of the year is have  an "Empty Bowls" Event held on the first Sunday in November.  Local artists make bowls that the donors choose upon arriving.  Gourmet soups are provided by local restaurants and some of our SB notables such as the mayor, a popular columnist in the local Independent newspaper and actors (John Cleese) serve the soup.
Water and bread are also provided.  Every donation ($25) goes to the Food Bank.  It is a poplar event and last year the third sitting (200 servings per sitting) was added. There is also a silent auction of donated items and services.
Oh, and yes, the donors get to take their bowls home.

MORE ON EMPTY FOOD SHELVES

My friends who starred in my earlier blog re food shelves sent the following, with permission to publish it. It seems pretty obvious that the private sector is overwhelmed, not up to handling this systemic problem on its own.

For a third paragraph on the Food Shelves blog—we went shopping again and this week the shelves at the Food Bank were even more empty.  We were told that there had not been a delivery from a local supermarket in over a month.

Paragraph four—I’m writing a message in the monthly church news letter to inform the church folk of the situation.  I will suggest that if we brought just one food item whenever we came to church, it would really help to fill the food boxes.  Also, if groups that meet weekly or monthly did the same, it would be even better.  We’re starting that with my monthly book group—not a church related activity—but the members are community minded.

WATERCOLORS

A women’s retreat at Mount Calvary on Saturday, October 15, 2011 –

Let justice flow down like waters

Let the waters flow through my hands on the way to healing the world, knowing it won’t happen in my lifetime

Let my hands remain open, un-grasping sharing

Let me celebrate the wrinkles, the spots. Let them be my gifts to the waters of life and grace.

And then came the watercolors:

           

The little box of paints looked and felt delicious, like the new box of crayons on the first day of school

First painting – just play. What emerged was pretty, flowing pastels.

Second painting – send my prayer to God. Not so pretty. I tried hands reaching out. Ugly emerged.

Third painting – receive God. More lovely, flowing pastels.

No budding artist. Still, I brought them home. And they all looked better upside down.

As Job’s "friends" learned, we don’t have the power to control God with our prayers – only ask and maybe, in time, receive.

EMPTY FOOD SHELVES

While I was In Maine I accompanied my friends Harriet and Bob on the beginning of their monthly stint picking up food from the central warehouse to stock the shelves of their church outlet. The first step was to do an inventory of needs at their site. I don’t have words to describe what happened to the pit of my stomach when they unlocked the door and we walked in. EMPTY SHELVES! There were, I think, ten jars of peanut butter and a few sad looking boxes of pasta, with another few stray items. I didn’t even feel grateful that I don’t have to feed my family off such shelves, I just felt shame and intense sadness.

It was even worse when they returned from their expedition the next day to the warehouse. Those shelves were lacking as well. They intended to bring back enough supplies to fill boxes based on a list posted on the wall, but there would not be enough items to complete the list. On the day when the unit is open, people coming to pick up their share will find big gaps – even toilet paper was missing.

I learned in my High School English course that there should be at least three paragraphs here. But what should I put in this last one?

A WEEK IN MAINE

         

First days – cold, rainy, wrapped up in layers topped by raincoat with hood. End of week, bright sunshine, temperatures approaching 80. No matter the weather, being with good friends is always warm, with the collective ongoing struggle with a New York Times Crossword puzzle. On Sunday an organ recital deep-massaged our bodies at the Basilica in Lewiston. Of course, Freeport is a Monday stop for lunch and dropping a minimal amount of money  – a Nine West handbag on sale for $22.00 – but I didn’t even go to L.L. Bean this time – doesn’t seem right, somehow.  

What else? A fabulous exhibit of Edward Hopper paintings. I confess, I do like recognizing the subject. Dinner with more friends by the Maine shore with a view of their private island. Another time found me with my annual fix of boiled live lobster by the sea (indoors this time, though. It was one of the cold and dreary days.) As an invited guest for a class on the Hebrew Bible I found gratification that “Mrs. Job” had it pretty much right about the heritage of Jacob and Esau. Visiting the Shaker Village offered order, peace, and beautifully crafted products,

Somewhere around 1980 I flew in to Portland on Bar Harbor Airlines – six rows of single seats on each side, a cooler up front with choice of sodas if one chose to open it. Only one of my little Bichons could ride in his cage on my flight. The other one had to wait for the next trip.

.

More recently I flew into Portland on a cozy little plane with two seats on each side – maybe ten rows. Forgive me, I don’t know airplanes. All I know is that this time the rows were three by two and so long there were lavatories at each end of business class – and stuffed full. The waiting line for the rental car was forty-five minutes long, almost as long as it took the luggage to come out for the two big planeloads of passengers who had just arrived

Before I left the state a visit to a most amazing museum proved that Portland is not the small town I once thought it was. The harbor bustles with art displays and shops of crafty wares and interesting foods. The more things change, though, the more they stay the same. Maine is still the place to go for calm and quiet

OCTOBER 5, 1955, WINOOSKI, VERMONT

No coat needed. Only the balerina length wedding gown, the crayon yellow sun, the sweet, dusty smell of the brightly dying autumn leaves, Lou with his drugstore necktie to make up for the one he forgot to bring, and nineteen other caring people including Father Boucher. Lou's family had attended a pre-nuptial Mass, while the rest of us received a private communion at the local Lutheran church.

I think we both knew we were making a mistake, but we were committed, and remained committed for almost 20 years. A magnificent day in Vermont! Here I'm sharing my annual quiet remembrance.

LOVE/GRACE

http://www.forbiddenknowledgetv.com/videos/religion--spiritual-practice/spiritual-reality-near-death-experiences-2010.html#.Tn5N-tSuBgQ.email

Whether it's Heaven or a protective nervous system, these people experienced a life-changing event.

MUST I ALWAYS BE CHEERFUL?

This one breaks all kinds of rules – especially the one about keeping the blog entry brief. I promise to be less wordy in the future if you’ll stick with this one to the end.

For most of my life with my mother, and especially during her eleven years in a nursing home before she moved on out of this life, I perceived it to be my job to save up happy stories to tell her. I was pretty good at it too. She was totally shocked when I told her I was getting a divorce – no inkling there was anything unhappy in the relationship.

It got to be a habit. I have to store up happy things to tell. Well, guess what! I don’t always feel like telling happy stories.

Like, be careful what you ask for. I managed to refinance my mortgage at a reduced rate of interest, which meant my bank got a copy of the appraisal – a huge downgrade in the value of my home – so they had to reduce my line of credit by 75%.

Last evening, after several insomniac nights, I had no energy to do anything but watch the vigil for Troy Davis which ended in tragedy.

I decided to try one last effort to sell my books. Paid for a neat new website that connects with a neat new facebook page, this blog, and Twitter. I committed to a regular monthly fee. They are really great – very helpful. But I’m not good at selling – no movement.

I broke a kind of a rule for therapists – when the therapy round is done, don’t contact former clients. My e-mail contact with a former client asking how she was doing resulted in a response indicating she was doing well and asking about me. I sent a two-sentence description of what I’ve been up to and referred her to my blog for more information. She was hurt by what she perceived as a put-off, wrote me back in anger, basically telling me to get out of her life. My truly heartsick response was met with silence.

See!? I don’t feel like being cheerful.

Oh, but wait. What can I learn from this?

1)    Telling happy stories. Actually, I did admire Polyanna when I finally got to read her, but there’s another basic rule of therapy – honesty. My mother wouldn’t have been shocked at my divorce news if I’d been open with her all along.

2)    Hey Mona, I don’t feel sorry for you about your mortgage thing. You have a lovely home to live in, and the remnants of an equity line of credit. Just don’t forget those who have none of this.

3)    The execution of Troy Davis? I can only hope attitudes will continue to turn against the death penalty. I understand there is a generation change. Thank goodness for young people!

4)    Selling my books? Well I will try – this coming Saturday even. But. Mona, just be glad for the time you have to write and do what you enjoy.

5)    Hurting my former client? How many times do I have to learn to be careful with words. How easy it is to read them differently from the way they were written! I learned that back in the days of writing multiple-choice questions for my classes. I always took the test with them, regularly getting one wrong even though I’d written and reviewed them myself.

6)    The “rule” against connecting with former clients? I’ll continue to break it. So many wonderful relationships.

So, I guess my insomnia will continue for people living in terrible situations that I can’t fix, but for which I can continue to do my small part.

My High School yearbook said of me “All succeeds for those who are sweet and cheerful.” (What an insipid comment). Well, guess what!...

DO YOU TAKE BLUE CROSS?

I get it. I really do! But I also think it’s sad – almost to the point of being tragic. Here’s the call I got yesterday from someone looking for therapy. “Are you a psychologist?” he asked. “yes, I am.” I answered. “Do you take Blue Cross?” he said. I get this kind of call often, and this is not a complaint about me. I knew what I was doing to my potential income when I decided to refrain from becoming a provider for any managed care organizations once I moved to Minnesota. But here are a few things he might have said in the service of his own needs: I’d like to ask you a question about the kind of therapy you practice. Or, Are you still taking patients/clients? Or, I’m looking for someone who can help me with my depression/obsession/alcoholism/marital/child-rearing problems – whatever.

I told him I was not a Blue Cross provider, but that as a licensed psychologist my services are covered. I do not bill Blue Cross directly, however. I will provide a statement at the end of the month which you can submit. “OK, thank you,” he said, and hung up.

Now, here’s what strikes me as sad. The question had nothing to do with his health needs or with finding an appropriate provider for him. It wasn’t his health that was his primary question, it was his insurance company. Sometimes people stay on the phone long enough so I can help evaluate who – occasionally me – might be right for him, or whether the free initial consultation might be helpful, or whether I might have a sliding scale of charges, or even why I chose not to be a provider.

As I said. I understand it perfectly. People have to consider what they can afford. But if you go shopping for a blue shirt and find a pink one that doesn’t fit you well but costs half the price, does it make sense to make your purchase on the basis of price alone? Psychotherapy is nothing to fool around with.

On the other hand, maybe, once he had made contact with a Blue Cross provider, he would have explored further. I hope so, and I get it! But health care and insurance coverage are not the same thing. It’s that confusion that makes me sad.

MORPHING, MOLTING, CHANGING

Eda LeShan had the perfect metaphor many years ago. In order for the lobster to expand, it must leave its old shell behind and let another one grow that fits better, leaving itself vulnerable in the process. I guess snakes do basically the same thing. Those of us who’ve been around a while have probably experienced that vulnerability more than once. I know I have: when I left the full-time professor role to become a full-time therapist; again when I left part-time instruction, and now when the economy and my avoidance of managed-care have reduced my private practice.

There’s still writing, which I’ve tried, with moderate success; and my current tentative reaching out to doing personalized editorial proofreading http://forgivenessoptions.com/feeds/item/15/new-service-offered. Patricia Gitt gave me the idea and the opportunity, working on her new novel “ASAP.” It’s a good read. Check it out. If my work has really been effective, you won’t notice it, because your attention will be focused on her story. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=Patricia+Gitt&x=8&y=14

And then there’s that vulnerability thing. When I moved to Minnesota I pictured myself enjoying the leisure of sitting around and reading. I’ve finally been doing that some, but I have to confess, it feels weird – vulnerable, really. I appreciate the encouragement of friends and family to go for it. I’m working on it.