MRS. JOB AS HERO, AND FORGIVENESS

This past Sunday we watched a DVD in the series of interviews Bill Moyer did with Joseph Campbell. Even as I watched what seemed like a discussion between ego and the collective unconscious I realized that Mrs. Job qualifies as a hero.

At that same gathering, another person told me he’d been re-reading my forgiveness books, finding things he didn’t notice the first time through. Of course I was thrilled that he was going through the forgiveness materials again, and it pointed out to me how much our readiness influences what we take in and use.

And that takes me to Mrs. Job’s cover. If I wanted to, I could see the responses falling in two categories – those that are ego oriented, i.e., what would best sell the book, and those that more subtly tap into unconscious emotional response. Since my question was really an ego one, I looked for guides to sales. But even there, the more non-ego responses seemed helpful.

OK. Let me get specific. Most everyone who responded said they liked the Mrs. Job cover as it is, citing especially its serenity and symbolism. At the same time, they seemed to agree that a sexier cover might sell better. Very few said they liked my suggestions for change of title, though it was thought that sales might be better if I were to use “Mrs. Job’s Journey,” suggesting mystery and intrigue. One person wondered whether she would have been “Mrs. Job” in her day and suggested “Job’s Wife.” I have to admit I wish I had realized how the mispronunciation of “Job” would have affected people’s interpretation of the title.  “Job’s Wife” would have encouraged a more correct pronunciation, I think.

So, where has this left me? Very grateful for the responses I received, and still wondering what to do. I admit it doesn’t seem worth it to put more money into the project at this point. But please keep thinking for me and letting me know the result. 

FUN AT THE ADLER CAFÉ

Last evening I had a good time first enjoying a potluck feast and then with the chance to chat with Adler folks and friends on the topic of forgiveness. (I sneaked in a bit on Mrs. Job as well.) What a neat group! I understand that a common comment at the end was “It’s necessarily complex.” That it is. Lots of discussion followed my suggestion that “to forgive is to accuse.” After it was all over, one person asked whether it’s possible to forgive someone without their knowing that you have even accused them, to say nothing of forgiving them. The answer? – an unhesitating “yes.” Forgiving is basically for the forgiver.

While we were chatting after the session was over, one woman conveyed her thanks to women of my generation for the work we had done for women. It got me started – remembering when my daughter at 13 couldn’t switch from her pediatrician to a woman physician because one was not available – women were not allowed residencies at the local hospitals. Then I went on remembering – no women pharmacists, anchors on the evening news, reporters from all over-including war zones, police officers, mail carriers, military personnel, fill in the blanks. Certainly there were no women in authority on CSI (but then, I guess there was no CSI.) The point? Change happens, best observed when we look back. Back when Lou, the Italian Catholic, married me, a Swedish Lutheran, it was a mixed marriage. Today it would hardly qualify.

The lesson? We best understand what we’ve been living through when we look back at it. Sort of hopeful, I think.

Forgive Wild Fresh Frozen Seafood for insult?

Forgiveness does not mean accepting abuse. Not having received the apology I asked for at the end of this episode, I'm sharing this story as widely as I can.

Anyone ordering from Wild Fresh Frozen Seafood should call within a few hours to confirm that only one order has been entered on their computer. The number to call is 800-980-2435   Or, if you raise a question, be prepared to be insulted.


Before I go on with the back story, I just noticed that he says I ordered Crab bibs. I ordered lobster bibs. I do hope he sent the right thing, or my gift recipient might be insulted. Fortunately he's a good friend so I'm sure it won't do too much damage.

This is the back story. I've emphasized some important lines in bold:

On 10/20/2011 I ordered a product for $23.43 and immediately received a confirmation for order #2045 - usual procedure when ordering on the web, I relaxed until I received notice on 10/27/2011 that two orders were being shipped, #2045 and #2044. My credit card had been charged twice.

            I assumed an error had been made. (I still assume it was all an error.) I sent an e-mail identifying the order numbers, saying, “This is a surprise gift to the addressee and, unfortunately, you've already shipped it. But I don't want to pay double what I planned, and I don't want to burden them with a trip to return it. I'll notify my credit card to withhold payment on the second shipment. Perhaps you can send [him] a self-addressed envelope with which to return the other one.

            Please get back to me on how to handle this.

Thanks,

Mona Gustafson Affinito"

In response I expected something like, “We apologize for the inconvenience. We will send a postage paid attachment for Mr. [  ] to return the extra item.” Instead I got an accusation that I was trying to defraud Mr. McCabe.

“Dear Monica, (Note the name change.)

You ordered two sets of crab bibs, we sent two sets.  We have no way of "charging your card" after you order..If you wish to return one, you will have to pay for return shipping. Should you feel that defrauding us of $22.43 is an appropriate response, we will challenge the attempted chargeback.”

            And then came the implied accusation that I’m a liar. When I responded that I had received only one receipt, he responded,”Regarding your receipt(s).  You got two.  Every completed order has an emailed receipt.  This function has never failed.”

             I’m willing to concede I may have hit the “finish” button twice, in which case I would expect I would have received two receipts. Then I would have called to cancel the second order before it was shipped. I’d also be willing to apologize for the error. The truth is, I never received the second receipt. Believe me, if I were going to start a career of fraud at this stage in my long squeaky clean life, I’d aim for something more than $23.43.

            Anyway, I told him to accept the $23.43, that I forgave him for the insult, and I’d like an apology. I waited for that before posting this. None was received, so here I am.

Mona Gustafson Affinito

http://www.forgivenessoptions.com

HOLD ALL CALLS. JUNG WAS RIGHT

My brain is swollen tight up against my skull, and my heart is about to break my ribs. No. It’s not a medical emergency. It’s just time to retreat to my introvert for some recovery time. I’ll tell you why, and then I’m withdrawing until I feel like getting back into the extraverted fray again.

Swollen heart. I spent time this past week with my college roommate and her husband – in Maine. Even had a whole lobster, gift of other Maine friends. Overlooking the water, of course. Oh, and a brief swim in a very cold lake. But it’s the friendship that counts. And that continued with a trip to New London for a Connecticut College reunion. (It was Connecticut College for Women then.)

We don’t look like our yearbook photos any more, and widowhood is almost as common as toothpaste, but zoom in close and there is community warmer even than it was when we graduated. “Wise Women” was the theme, and that we should be – lots of experience to ripen us. “Mrs. Job” and my forgiveness books were included in a signing at the bookstore. No surprise – I was the oldest author there, but in the group attending were rows of the CC scarves that mark our class. Would that everyone could have such a rich store of friends. OK. So much for the heart.

As for the swollen brain, I’ve been deep into getting to know my magical website – still not released to the public, but the work of some very clever people. I have more to do on my part, but I need time out. Remember Jung’s opposites? Every once in a while the extravert has to retreat for replenishment. I’ll be back before too long with the bells and whistles (well, sort of) of my new web site.

FORGIVENESS IS AT THE BASE OF THE MRS. JOB STORY

            Forgiveness has been my public emphasis lately, but let’s not forget that behind the Mrs. Job story is a biblical story of forgiveness. In brief, Job was from Edom. Edom is another name for Esau. Esau’s inheritance was stolen from him by Jacob (and his mother). Jacob went off to live with Uncle Laban while Esau, in anger, took a second wife, the daughter of Ishmael (the attributed source of Islam).

            Jacob, some fourteen years later, finally got Rachel’s hand in marriage, after being duped into marrying Leah first. (My heart goes out to Leah.) Returning home from his long sojurn with Laban, and fearing Esau’s justifiable rage, Jacob courageously sent his servants and family on ahead of hem, But Esau surprised him with a welcoming embrace. Now that’s a forgiveness story.

            So, deep in Job’s family background was a spirit of forgiveness. That’s my take on it, anyway

Mona's comments on forgiving abusers

Recently I was interviewed about forgiving an abuser. Click on this link if you would like to see the result.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/7994389/tips_for_forgiving_an_abusive_spouse.html?cat=5

What I told the TV about forgiveness

            I was energetically talking to the TV as I watched an episode of “Forgiveness: A Time to Love and a Time to Hate” which was presented recently on PBS. (In fact, I just ordered a copy of the DVD for my library.) It’s really well done, with its emphasis on the complexity of the issue.

            So what was my frustrated ranting? “Look at my ‘When to Forgive,’ I shouted,” It’s based exactly on that complexity, which is why it’s not called something like “The Miracle of Forgiveness” which the publishers wanted originally. The point is to recognize the reader’s specific situation and the possibilities available for an appropriate and moral response.

            My frustration?  “When to Forgive” isn’t in the hands of so many people who could be helped. The same goes for my “Forgiving One Page at a Time.” Want to know more? This link will take you there.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=Mona+gustafson+Affinito&rh=n%3A283155%2Ck%3AMona+gustafson+Affinito&ajr=3

WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP

I just decided what I want to be when I grow up. Well, not just now, but sort of early this morning as I woke up. Yesterday a friend of mine told me the reaction of the person to whom she had given a copy of Mrs. Job. Reportedly she loved it, and wondered would I be willing to do a retreat at her [Lutheran] church. There was no real offer, just the suggestion that I should think about it. It took a good night’s sleep for me to realize that this is exactly what I love to do. Forgiveness, Justice, Job and his wife. They are so intimately connected, and how they tie in to my interest in gender psychology and restorative practices! So now my thoughts are off and running. What a great two-day retreat we could have, or even a one-day workshop. It would have to be tailored, both in title and content, to the hosting group. If it were a group of Lutheran women, for example, it could be "Mrs. Job, forgiveness, and justice for the Godly woman." For others it might be "Forgiveness, Justice, Restorative Practices, and the influence of Mrs. Job." Who knows? It would take a lot of thought to name it, and more thought to arrange a fruitful presentation that would frame the issues and their solutions in general as well as personal gain for participants. But my cupboard is filled with so many great ingredients for the recipe. It would be fun. First job – construct a blurb that would describe it to a general audience.

OK. That’s it. Help me with your thoughts. In the meantime, I have spent some time (not enough) on “Riding in the Back Seat” and reading on my deck in halter and shorts. Imagine! It’s that warm here today.

Book Signing September 10, 2009

On the happy side, I'm looking forward to a fun night and book signing at Lillian's in Excelsior, Minnesota. I'd like to attach the neat poster they created, but I can't figure out how to do it. So, here's the verbal description.

The special night is September 10, 2009, from 6:00 – 8:00 p.m. My book-signing will focus on Mrs. Job, but I’ll have my forgiveness books there too.

If you haven’t been there, you’ll love the handbags, scarves, and accessories at fabulous prices. I think it’s all a great way to yield to that Fall desire for something new. (And a great way for me to make people aware of my books.)

The invitation asks for an RSVP by September 8. My guess is that it would be best to leave the message at Lillian’s number: 952-474-3191.

I’m excited about this. I hope you will be too.

p.s. Please note it's Lillian's of Excelsior.

IT'S REALLY ALL ABOUT CONTROL

As far as I know, I'm the only one who has a chapter on the "Case Against Forgiveness" in my book (When to Forgive). One big piece of that is my objection to the shaming effect on the part of well-meaning people, religious and otherwise, who urge forgiveness on people who have experienced an offense. It's also based on the observation that there may be other routes to relief and health. That's why I resisted the publisher's efforts to title my book something like "The Miracle of Forgiveness," because I felt the most important factor was having a choice.

At a recent conference, I found some validation for my belief that forgiveness (deciding not to punish) is not necessarily the only road to wholeness. The presenter was talking about his work with brain-injured people. Toward the end, he provided evidence of two cases of productive psychological resolution even though the physical disability was permanent. I found myself automatically assuming that each of them had forgiven the attackers who caused their severe brain damage. But when I questioned the speaker after the presentation, he told me that neither one of them had given up on anger and seeking punishment for the perpetrators. I hesitate in saying this, because I know this is a complex issue that does require a whole chapter, but I do want to jump off from this with some of my thoughts about control.

I've come to believe that being in control of oneself is the bottom-line essential for all therapy or other routes to healthful resolution of hurt from any source. Life's attacks disorient and disorganize us so that, in a real sense, we are not all together. Putting it this way is not very professional. but I think the key is pulling it all back together under our own control. (Notice that what I'm saying has nothing to do with controlling others, except in the sense of taking back control from those who are hurting you.) Quite literally pulling oneself together provides the energy to be happy, even joyful, and productive.

That means accepting the twelve-step goal of distinguishing between that which we can control and that which we can't and taking appropriate action on that distinction. The gift that forgiveness gives us is point number one on the bookmark in the previous blog: "As long as you can't forgive them, they are in control of your life." But that "can't forgive them" piece is complex. I think what it refers to is obsession with the anger and sense of unfairness, along with an impotent desire to get back at the offender. It was possible for the two people referred to by the conference speaker to regain potency by placing the anger energy in a reasonable place, fighting for legal justice. Life regained its order. I think that's what wholeness is all about. Just for the fun of it, look back on the items in the previous blog and look for the element of self-control in each. I'd love to hear comments and responses on these roughly conveyed thoughts.

THE POWER OF A BOOKMARK

This really is a bookmark, but I had to cut it into two segments in order to upload it. And I did want you to see it, to go with the story I have to tell.

Recently a local business man called me into his office as I passed by to tell me the effect of the bookmark on his life. Flying from Minnesota to the east coast for his mother's funeral, he was troubled by the negativity of the emotions he harbored toward her. To distract himself he was trying to read a book (not one of mine), but what caught his eye was the bookmark I had given him. He wanted me to know that by the end of the flight, after contemplating its words, he was calm and comfortable about his mother. Forgiveness had happened.

Friends and the Bright Shadow

I have just had such a wonderful conversation with my friend Edie Crawford in Connecticut that my thoughts are tumbling all over themselves. Edie is the kind of friend who looks at her phone ID and answers with a hearty "Mona , my dear." Now mind you, it's been two or three years since we last talked, but it might have been yesterday. I called with a question about the Shadow as it relates to the current election process, and ended up with wonderful insights into therapy, and just plain living. Edie is my Jungian guru, but she says she's moved on to an appreciation of Behavior Therapy. 

Here's the wonderful new emphasis she shared -- the "Bright Shadow." I love it, because it legitimizes my focus on reaching for the positive in every client. The Shadow, if you've forgotten, is that unconscious collection of stuff we don't want to admit into consciousness. Traditionally we tend to think of it as evil or, for some, the metaphorical devil. The typical therapy of the past, Edie points out, has tended to strengthen that negative side as people are encouraged to keep reaching for and talking about what has gone wrong in their lives, so often developing the witch side of mothers, and/or the negativity of fathers.

But, she suggests, for many, if not most, of us, what we've submerged is our positive side -- the positive Shadow -- the "Bright Shadow." (I can't help being aware specifically of my own Swedish Lutheran background which discourages "bragging about" the good in ourselves and encourages the admission of sin.) Traditional therapy has not only discouraged the emergence of the "Bright Shadow," but has actually empowered the forces that repress it. Here's where appreciation of the behaviorist approach comes in. What we've been doing is building up the part of the brain that supports the negative view of ourselves and our lives. To put it differently, we've been encouraged to conserve and strengthen our old fashioned brain waves. The key then, becomes helping to remove the blockages that prevent seeing our positives. Edie says she has become very straightforward about that. Just realize when you start going over what you regret doing, or the pain that's been inflicted by others, that you are strengthening a part of yourself that you'd do better to weaken. 

Edie pointed out the connection of the "Bright Shadow" to my forgiveness work. Especially when it comes to self-forgiveness, be aware that on the other side of regret is its opposite, optimistic hope. That seems to me to be a key, just to know that the opposite of regret is there for you to draw on, and you'll make the job easier by making the effort to stop rehearsing the negative. Edie and I have both been through divorce, so she referred to the tendency which we shared, at one point, to suddenly think, as we went through our day, "What did I do wrong that I didn't save the marriage?" or the tendency as parents to think "What damage did I cause my children with the way I parented them?" Stop and take yourself to the positive side -- the good times, the good things you tried, the good efforts you made.

OK. Just a sampler. We can certainly do this as we look at other people who distress and annoy us -- maybe especially during this pre-election time. What is the good side? ( Polyanna? I never did understand why people were so opposed to her. )

Where have I been? and Mrs. Job or Dara?

Sometimes I wonder what I've been doing with my time. I know I went to a delightful brunch in a friend's home last Tuesday and a fun and tasty meeting with a church circle on Wednesday. But what have I accomplished?  I sometimes wonder if that's a family curse, that "you must accomplish" idea. But really, I do wish I could just tick off some projects as completed. 

Take the book of Mrs. Job, for example. With the help of wonderful friends and family I've finally got the title narrowed down. Here's the choice, "Dara," (That's Mrs. Job's name in my story) or "Mrs. Job." .. no colons with additional information after them. I would really appreciate your vote on this.

And then there's the matter of forgiveness. I've been working up a one-day workshop scheduled for October 4 at Shepherd of the Hill Presbyterian church, but now there's the question whether there will be a large enough group that day, and should we postpone it to a time when more can come? (We chose October 4 because it was the closest Saturday to Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.) Go to the link for Shepherd of the Hill church (to your right)  and click on "education;" then go to "A Day of Atonement-Reconciliation." Or should I do a small group on the 4th if that's what shows up and do a larger one later... ? A couple of small groups have reviewed the forgiveness DVD I plan to use, and each time I learn more about people's thoughts on the matter and how I might present it better.

Oh, and there's Restorative Justice, a twin sibling of forgiveness. I recently did a presentation on that topic at the Adler Graduate School, learning a lot, of course, about how I might do it better. And it's good if I get better at it, because I'll be presenting a program on Restorative Justice on Tuesday, October 14, as part of the Dialogues series at Shepherd of the Hill. I need to get busy helping to make that fact known. Go to the Shepherd of the Hill Link and click on "Dialogues."

My biggest project -- that is, the one I promised myself I'd finish by the end of the day today, is to get the Mrs. Job (or Dara) manuscript off to iUniverse and get the ball rolling.  Before I could do that, I had to finish a bio, which they require, and an appreciations page which I wanted and needed to do, considering all the wonderful people who have helped me.

OK. That's enough chatting. Now I'll get down to business.

Searching for answers

And the answers I need today are very practical ones. How do I create a link? Has this reached the e-mails of my guinea pig friends. Will you forgive me for being annoying?

Opportunity, are you knocking?

What a wonderful response I got when I asked my friends for brilliant ideas on how to market my forgiveness books, and even get The Book of Mrs. Job published. I'm just getting started on developing smarts about the internet, but it took me no time to appreciate the love I felt when so many e-mailed me with suggestions. From all over the country came suggestions. Thanks, I'll keep you posted.