Mona's comments on forgiving abusers

Recently I was interviewed about forgiving an abuser. Click on this link if you would like to see the result.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/7994389/tips_for_forgiving_an_abusive_spouse.html?cat=5

Well, this is different!

Vanity and Mrs. Job. That's what this is all about. But then, I do believe we need a light touch every once in a while.

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?created&&note_id=10150254740335041&id=150195330040#!/notes/skin-authority/our-royal-face-of-the-week-mona-affinito/10150254740335041

What I told the TV about forgiveness

            I was energetically talking to the TV as I watched an episode of “Forgiveness: A Time to Love and a Time to Hate” which was presented recently on PBS. (In fact, I just ordered a copy of the DVD for my library.) It’s really well done, with its emphasis on the complexity of the issue.

            So what was my frustrated ranting? “Look at my ‘When to Forgive,’ I shouted,” It’s based exactly on that complexity, which is why it’s not called something like “The Miracle of Forgiveness” which the publishers wanted originally. The point is to recognize the reader’s specific situation and the possibilities available for an appropriate and moral response.

            My frustration?  “When to Forgive” isn’t in the hands of so many people who could be helped. The same goes for my “Forgiving One Page at a Time.” Want to know more? This link will take you there.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=Mona+gustafson+Affinito&rh=n%3A283155%2Ck%3AMona+gustafson+Affinito&ajr=3

The More Things Change; The More They Stay the Same

            I’d be old-fashioned in the classroom now. Oh, I did innovate. In my last course I used weekly e-mail exchanges to receive and give instant feedback on brief papers. In the 60s, I contributed to a TV course where we lectured on screen and evaluated progress with traditional methods.

            But recently I heard of a web course based on two principles: Socratic method and Games theory -  as in games like World of Warcraft.

            In the 60s, our team entertained classes of 125 students with an assortment of slides and movies displayed on the big screen as we lectured in the traditional way – early version of powerpoint?

            Then there’s SCSU itself. We had no glossy magazine like the college produces now, or “Southern Life,” the campus newspaper, which inspired me to write this.

            What caught my eye was research Bill Sherman (psych department) did with Michelle Vancour (public health) extending her doctoral study of academic moms to the study of men in academia.

            Now here’s where things stay the same. “These men ‘don’t feel the same level of guilt about going to work as moms do.” A father might say, ‘I don’t like to travel because I miss my kids,’ rather than feeling guilty about leaving them, as mom’s do”

            “One key difference in how the men and women in their studies view work/family balance. Dads compartmentalize, saying ‘This is what I’ll do and this is when I’ll do it’ whereas moms try to find bits and pieces of time to fit everything in. ‘Women don’t just turn off one thing and do another,… they multitask.’”

            Guilt and multitasking. Been there; done that. Still trying to train myself to compartmentalize.

           

SURVIVAL OF THE COOPERATIVE

THE AGE OF COMPASSION?

Recently I awoke wondering if I was depressed. I still don’t know whether I was, but I did know I didn’t want to sit and stare into space, much as I wanted to. That would result in guaranteed depression at the end of the day. So I read a book – I mean a print book – which I had sitting on the top of my pile: Frans deWaal, “The Age of Empathy, Nature’s Lessons for a Kinder Society.” I do recommend the book. His 2009 thesis revealed in the preface is so hopeful:

“American politics seems poised for a new epoch that stresses cooperation and social responsibility. The emphasis is on what unites a society, what makes it worth living in, rather than what material wealth we can extract from it. Empathy is the grand theme of our time, …”

Then I received the latest report from the Southern Poverty Law Center. “…more than 1000 hate groups – a record number – are now operating in our country. And armed, antigovernment militias mushroomed for the second year in a row.”

Just an example of the negative evidence that could have sent me back to bed depressed. That’s when I called on the technique I learned years ago from my college roommate – with some modification – Twenty years from now I’ll see what was really going on as we were caught in the eddy of change.

There must be a nice six-word phrase to convey that sense of anticipating what today’s maelstrom will have calmed down to mean twenty years from now.

For more on deWaal’s book, click here for my review on amazon.com. I’ve titled it “Survival of the Cooperative.” You’ll have to scroll down to find it on page 2.

http://www.amazon.com/Age-Empathy-Natures-Lessons-Society/product-reviews/0307407772/ref=cm_cr_pr_btm_link_next_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2

While I’m at it, take a look at the review of my classmate’s book, Lois Spratley, “Transatlantic Triangle.” I’ve titled my review, “Love and Nostalgia – A Darned Good Story.

http://www.amazon.com/Transatlantic-Triangle-Lois-Spratley/product-reviews/0595224539/ref=sr_1_2_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

MY MOTHER WASN'T DEAF

On Friday, March 7, 2011, I was given what I consider to be a gift – over an hour with Dara Beevas of Beaver’s Pond Press. It was like a free tutorial, discussing the state of “Riding in the Back Seat” which is nowhere near complete, but the development of which will be greatly modified by the content of that discussion. A review written by Jordan Wiklund at that office focused on the distinction between memoir and autobiography, including the following which I found not only instructive but delightfully challenging as well: “… a memoir often wraps an image or idea around itself again and again, re-visioning itself with every chapter or section. Local writer Pat Francisco (Telling) shares this gem about the genre; ‘the real goal of memoir is to re-learn, re-envision, and re-understand what you thought you knew.’”

Of course, I’ve been waking up at 3:00 a.m. since, manipulating ideas about turning the steering wheel in different directions. The fact is, working on “Riding … “ has helped me understand my own marriage and divorce in new ways – and that after I thought I had worked it through completely.

Today, though, I want to focus on a side discussion that developed between Dara and me – the issue of respect for one’s elders. Since I certainly am one of “them” now, I have some reactions springing from personal experience. There are things that people occasionally do to/for me because of “respect” for my age which I, perhaps because of my own personality, don’t experience as respectful. On the other hand, I’ll confess that I’m hoping my views in “Riding … “ will be perceived as valuable based on my lengthy stay on this planet. And I do grab my son’s arm for stability when walking in the slippery snow (which we’ve done a lot of this winter.) I also appreciate rides people offer me when going to strange places in the dark, or even in the daylight. I won’t drive 494 any more – partly encouraged by the “55 Alive” instruction that one should avoid driving in places where one does not feel comfortable.

But here’s the deal. Sometimes “respect” becomes the assumption of inability – a stereotyped view of aged decay. Many years ago, my mother was “seen” by a young psychiatrist in the nursing home where she was living. I was present at the interview. He shouted his original greeting, something like, “Hello, Jennie, I’m Dr. …” “I’m not deaf” my mother responded. “And how have you been feeling,” he shouted back. “My mother isn’t deaf,” I chimed in. And so the interview went. Maybe he suffered a disability, but it certainly would be a rare one – the inability to speak in a normal tone of voice. (Just imagine classroom discussions when he contributed his thoughts.) A few days later when I visited my mother, I learned that she had fired him. Hooray! What a wonderful assertive move on her part. Not only was she not deaf, she was very clear in her cognitive functioning.

Wondering whether I’m being hypersensitive about these issues, I looked up the definition of “respect.” Dictionaries vary, but here’s what my little Merriam-Webster Pocket Dictionary says: “to consider deserving of high regard; esteem; to refrain from interfering with (another’s privacy.)” Am I stretching it too far to suggest that we all deserve “respect,” with maybe an extra portion of interest in the value of experience that comes with age? That’s quite different from the assumption of disability. To put it differently, I suspect there are just as many individual differences among us aged as there are among our younger friends.

Oh, one more thing about nursing homes. I objected at one point to the staff at the nursing home calling my father “Carl.” I pleaded that he was Mr. Gustafson, just as my mother was “Mrs. Gustafson.” I was told that old folks prefer to be addressed by their first names. Maybe some do, but ask. Individual differences, remember?

I’d be so happy to see comments in reaction to this blog.

Oh, Why have I been away from the blog so long? Lots of things, like computer problems and corrupted e-mails taking up my time, but mostly it’s been my problem tearing myself away from “Riding in the Back Seat,” the creation that will certainly be greatly modified after I catch up on myself. No, I’m not anxious to finish it, That would be the end of me …

HOLY EARTH – “HOLY AGITATION, SUPERMAN”

OK, the title sounds flippant, but the issue is heavy. Last evening I attended an inspiring presentation at Shepherd of the Hill Presbyterian Church in Chaska, part of the series: “Toward a Sustainable Abundance.” The presenter was Pastor and Theologian Gwin Pratt whose topic was “Holy Earth.” Discussion was active, full, and varied, representing the abilities and thoughtfulness of the wonderful people present.

The spirituality of the movement to care for the earth was the topic. As I understand his point, the earth is not just a “thing” deposited by God for us to use as we please. Rather, the earth is God and God is the earth. If you prefer a non-religious approach, the earth is Gaia, a living organism, or take the Indian approach, it lives, belonging to all of us. I am totally comfortable, indeed pleasured, by that view.

But here’s my issue. I came home agitated – so agitated that I ate too much before going to bed, therefore waking up agitated at 3:00 a.m., struggling to identify the source of my agitation. So please follow me on my quest for an explanation.

I get that the earth is alive, not an inert ball of stuff. All it takes is one earthquake and/or a tsunami to demonstrate that fact. I get that the pollution we contribute to the rivers in Minnesota ends up creating a zone of death in the Gulf of Mexico. I get that melting ice in one part of the world creates floods in others. I know that it sickens me when I see a mountain destroyed in the process of mining, not just because of the deadly effect it has on the neighborhood around it, but because it feels like the removal of a breast without anesthetic. I understand why some family and friends are vegetarians because it makes them ill to see how food animals are treated.

I also get that the earth can sometimes heal its own wounds. I saw that in 1995 on the visit to Leipzig, Germany, when we were escorted on an after-lunch walk to the top of an almost lush mini-mountain. Except for occasional detritus emerging from the grass, one wouldn’t know that it grew on the pile of remains from the WWII bombing of the city.

I also get that humans are a part of the vibrant life of the earth, along with the rest of the flora and fauna. Sorry, but sometimes I equate us to microbes fighting each other for our share of the body, and often as healers, but certainly interrelated. Just like the melting icebergs that create floods, what each of us does ultimately affects everyone else. I believe that. Why else would I have become a practicing psychologist, an enthusiast for social justice, and a part, however small, of the movement for restorative practices?

I suffer pain for people all over the world who are deprived of the opportunity to lead full lives, utilizing their strengths and reaping the just rewards. I believe there is a direct relationship between respect, or lack of it, for the earth and the condition of the folks who populate it.

When I travel, I find myself reciting a mantra, “And now he’s dead,” as I view the elegant coffins and other memorials to people who struggled to come out on top in power over the earth and ownership of its parts. Working on my memoir, I’m aware of the blessings I enjoyed in the circumscribed world in which I was raised, not only ethnically and geographically, but also in a time and culture very different from today’s. I am aware as well that my journey on earth is limited by my very humanity.

In the discussion last evening, it was clear that the situation is hugely complicated, and no one of us can solve it all, but there were wonderful suggestions, among which was returning to the land in the form of local gardens. I know this is a movement providing not only food, but also appreciation of the joys provided by communicating with mother earth. Actually, it reminded me of the successful Victory garden my childhood friend and I created and harvested when we were thirteen. It was also clear that earth and we who are a part of it can grow in health only as we band together to raise consciousness. (Hmm – a familiar term from the 70’s.)

So, what was agitating me? The speaker’s wife, if I understood her correctly, directed me toward the answer. She recognized that we are living in exciting and hopeful times, even in the midst of what seem like impossible problems.

Ah-ha! I know what caused me concern. It was probably my imagination, but I had the impression that implicit in the conversation was a sense that today’s technology was an enemy in the struggle – especially that it creates distance between people. Here’s my take on it. Technology is here to stay. It emerges from one of God’s gifts to us – the ability to understand, create, and invent. And I can list a whole bunch of sources that inspire me with the things that individual people and groups are doing with technological solutions. There’s “Ode” and “Yes,” two of my favorite magazines, and the unsolicited supply of used magazines my son contributes, like “Scientific American,” “Technology Today,” and “Discover.” I confess I don’t read his from cover to cover, but they let me know that folks are working on all kinds of ways to reduce destruction of the earth, and contribute to its healing. And even sometimes with the economic motive of making money.

I’ve learned, as the speaker’s wife was indicating, that when we live in the center of the conflict, we can’t see clearly where it’s heading. Like the 1950s when I knew the atomic bomb was going to kill me, or, true confessions, when the addition to our home in the 1960s had a fallout shelter in the basement. Ah, but that’s another story.

And let’s not leave out Pastor Pratt’s recommendations. Bill McKibben’s book, “Eaarth: Making a Life on a Tough New Planet;” (Yes, “Eaarth” is the correct spelling of his title) books by Barbara Brown Taylor; John Abraham to be speaking at St. Luke’s on March 10, 2011; and especially 350.org. (I’ve been on amazon.com, googled, and sampled all.)

OK. I think I’ve got it. Now to eat some breakfast.