Remembering Lou Affinito one final time

Lou Affinito died at 12:45 Sunday morning, August 23d, after a period of time at Connecticut Hospice. He ended his sojourn here on earth on the anniversary of his mother's death many years before. It was the end of a long battle that began around April 2008 when he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. His wife, his children, and his family suffered with him through the long battle which was reportedly horrifyingly heart-rending toward the end. His wake was held in Hamden Connecticut on Monday the 24th, with hundreds of friends, families, fellow church members, and co-workers creating a constant four-hour stream of care and grief. His memorial Mass was celebrated at Ascension Church in Hamden on Tuesday, August 25th, with interment in West Haven in a mausoleum near his parents and his brother in law. Even his dear friend Frank Faggio rests there.

I knew then that Ted Kennedy would soon be following Lou in death. Kennedy had been diagnosed at about the same time as Lou with the same kind of tumor. And today I watched the Senator's funeral with rapt attention, feeling a strange kind of identification with those involved. One cannot help but notice that the tumor was no respecter of position. And I couldn't help but be aware that Mrs. Kennedy would confess, along with Lou's wife, that she is exhausted and bereft. The suffering has ended for Lou and for the Senator. The people left behind deserve and have my deepest sympathy.

Sabbath

I’ve had it with empathy, sympathy, productivity, checking e-mail, responding to appeals, mistakes made with loving intentions, supportive phone calls, concern for the nations’ healthcare. What I really wanted today was just to lie on my couch and stare into space. But I went one better. I lay on my couch and read The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society. What a smart thing to do! It goes to my daughter next if she hasn’t already read it. I guess that’s what old-fashioned Sabbaths were all about.

Well, I did keep a mammogram appointment, and maybe tomorrow I’ll feel like doing stuff again. And wouldn’t it be lovely if someone, somewhere, spent an afternoon on the couch reading Mrs. Job?

Recalling Lou Affinito

Up front I need to admit that I have not been Lou Affinito’s wife since 1976, and that I thoroughly like his current wife who had nothing to do with our splitting. But we had twenty years and two children together, and as Lou suffers his last days, the victim of an invasive brain tumor, I can’t help traveling back to our time together. Feeling the need to do something, I’m offering this tribute of sorts. I’ve carefully labeled it “Recalling Lou Affinito,” to make it clear that he is still fighting the battle of life.

It was 1953 at the University of Vermont. Genny, my colleague and apartment mate, and I had just attended a tea in honor of the artist daughter of the Psychology Department chair. At least, I think that’s what we had been doing. I am pretty sure I was wearing a black suit and a hat with a veil – and probably gloves. Genny introduced me to Lou who gave us a ride home from the grocery store. I was in Burlington, Vermont, but I knew at once that Lou was an “Italian” from New Haven – and I was a goner right from the beginning.

No, I’m not going to give the whole history – just some snippets. Like his 1949 Plymouth sedan. (OK, I may be wrong. Maybe it was a Dodge. Sadly I can’t verify it now with Lou.) But I do know it was black. Lou preferred black cars. And the heat in this one didn’t work, so, when we rode to and fro on school vacations from Burlington to Connecticut in the freezing cold, we’d open the windows wide and sing “In the Good Old Summertime.” That was the car that transported our several month’s supply of meat from his father’s store – and canned tomatoes, of course, and tomato paste and Ziti. I had never had so much fun with anyone as I did with Lou in our lighthearted dating days.

In 1955 my New Haven greenback shower paid the balance on our new 1955 Ford – actually blue with a white top, not black. One more point about cars. Lou had an ear and an eye for them. I’d drive in the driveway, go up the stairs to the kitchen, and find Lou waiting to tell me he could hear that we needed new shock absorbers. Or when he saw my new Chevy Monza, he knew immediately that it had the wrong left front tire – a fact denied by several “authorities” until I got to the owner of Partyka Chevrolet who immediately ordered that the “correct” tire be installed. OK, So much for cars.

More? There’s Lou, happy as a clam during the brief period when he enjoyed the freedom his pilot’s license gave him to fly a small plane. Lou coming home to play in the kiddie pool in the back yard with Doug and Lisa. Lou and our traditional visit to the drive-in movie on July 3d, complete with Dunkin’ Donuts. Lou basking in the family cookout in our back yard, complete with Bacci Ball for the men. (Losers couldn’t have a beer afterwards.) Lou thoroughly enjoying Frank Faggio’s Italian pastry at Lucibello’s. Lou’s devotion to his friends, and grief at their loss – Nicky Conte, Frank Faggio, cousin Al Altieri…

The nice thing about Word Documents is that I’ll be able to add more later, as it comes to me, but I can’t let this try go by without giving credit to his sayings;

• Never force anything mechanical (saved me lots of damage)
• The hard way is the easy way (comes to mind when I try to carry too many grocery bags at once.)
• Turn a defeat into a victory. (I’ve thought of using this as a book title.)

Thanks for letting me share these thoughts with you.