Friends and the Bright Shadow

I have just had such a wonderful conversation with my friend Edie Crawford in Connecticut that my thoughts are tumbling all over themselves. Edie is the kind of friend who looks at her phone ID and answers with a hearty "Mona , my dear." Now mind you, it's been two or three years since we last talked, but it might have been yesterday. I called with a question about the Shadow as it relates to the current election process, and ended up with wonderful insights into therapy, and just plain living. Edie is my Jungian guru, but she says she's moved on to an appreciation of Behavior Therapy. 

Here's the wonderful new emphasis she shared -- the "Bright Shadow." I love it, because it legitimizes my focus on reaching for the positive in every client. The Shadow, if you've forgotten, is that unconscious collection of stuff we don't want to admit into consciousness. Traditionally we tend to think of it as evil or, for some, the metaphorical devil. The typical therapy of the past, Edie points out, has tended to strengthen that negative side as people are encouraged to keep reaching for and talking about what has gone wrong in their lives, so often developing the witch side of mothers, and/or the negativity of fathers.

But, she suggests, for many, if not most, of us, what we've submerged is our positive side -- the positive Shadow -- the "Bright Shadow." (I can't help being aware specifically of my own Swedish Lutheran background which discourages "bragging about" the good in ourselves and encourages the admission of sin.) Traditional therapy has not only discouraged the emergence of the "Bright Shadow," but has actually empowered the forces that repress it. Here's where appreciation of the behaviorist approach comes in. What we've been doing is building up the part of the brain that supports the negative view of ourselves and our lives. To put it differently, we've been encouraged to conserve and strengthen our old fashioned brain waves. The key then, becomes helping to remove the blockages that prevent seeing our positives. Edie says she has become very straightforward about that. Just realize when you start going over what you regret doing, or the pain that's been inflicted by others, that you are strengthening a part of yourself that you'd do better to weaken. 

Edie pointed out the connection of the "Bright Shadow" to my forgiveness work. Especially when it comes to self-forgiveness, be aware that on the other side of regret is its opposite, optimistic hope. That seems to me to be a key, just to know that the opposite of regret is there for you to draw on, and you'll make the job easier by making the effort to stop rehearsing the negative. Edie and I have both been through divorce, so she referred to the tendency which we shared, at one point, to suddenly think, as we went through our day, "What did I do wrong that I didn't save the marriage?" or the tendency as parents to think "What damage did I cause my children with the way I parented them?" Stop and take yourself to the positive side -- the good times, the good things you tried, the good efforts you made.

OK. Just a sampler. We can certainly do this as we look at other people who distress and annoy us -- maybe especially during this pre-election time. What is the good side? ( Polyanna? I never did understand why people were so opposed to her. )

Mts. Job is on her way to iUniverse

It was a little like the last Presidential election, just when I thought maybe "Dara" was the winning title, more votes came in for "Mrs. Job." It was interesting to watch the passion behind the choices. I think "Mrs. Job" evoked slightly more excitement.  I hope that works out once she is the title of a book.

Now I've filled out most of the questions on line and submitted the manuscript. I'm still working on the descriptive blurb for the back page. Here's my first attempt. Any preferences? And by the way, a friend yesterday had trouble getting a comment in here, so, if you have an opinion, maybe you could e-mail me at forgivenessoptions@earthlink.net.

She was part of Job's joy and wealth, and in one day suffered with him the total loss of property and family.  They were her ten children and it was her way of life as well as Job's, but her loss was either overlooked or, worse yet, attributed to her transgression.  In this story, she is rescued as her life, friendship, love, conflict, agony, and ultimate victory play out. One editor "found it truly enjoyable, well-written, and thought it strikes a great balance between being a love story (...Job, God)... and statement of faith."

Where have I been? and Mrs. Job or Dara?

Sometimes I wonder what I've been doing with my time. I know I went to a delightful brunch in a friend's home last Tuesday and a fun and tasty meeting with a church circle on Wednesday. But what have I accomplished?  I sometimes wonder if that's a family curse, that "you must accomplish" idea. But really, I do wish I could just tick off some projects as completed. 

Take the book of Mrs. Job, for example. With the help of wonderful friends and family I've finally got the title narrowed down. Here's the choice, "Dara," (That's Mrs. Job's name in my story) or "Mrs. Job." .. no colons with additional information after them. I would really appreciate your vote on this.

And then there's the matter of forgiveness. I've been working up a one-day workshop scheduled for October 4 at Shepherd of the Hill Presbyterian church, but now there's the question whether there will be a large enough group that day, and should we postpone it to a time when more can come? (We chose October 4 because it was the closest Saturday to Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.) Go to the link for Shepherd of the Hill church (to your right)  and click on "education;" then go to "A Day of Atonement-Reconciliation." Or should I do a small group on the 4th if that's what shows up and do a larger one later... ? A couple of small groups have reviewed the forgiveness DVD I plan to use, and each time I learn more about people's thoughts on the matter and how I might present it better.

Oh, and there's Restorative Justice, a twin sibling of forgiveness. I recently did a presentation on that topic at the Adler Graduate School, learning a lot, of course, about how I might do it better. And it's good if I get better at it, because I'll be presenting a program on Restorative Justice on Tuesday, October 14, as part of the Dialogues series at Shepherd of the Hill. I need to get busy helping to make that fact known. Go to the Shepherd of the Hill Link and click on "Dialogues."

My biggest project -- that is, the one I promised myself I'd finish by the end of the day today, is to get the Mrs. Job (or Dara) manuscript off to iUniverse and get the ball rolling.  Before I could do that, I had to finish a bio, which they require, and an appreciations page which I wanted and needed to do, considering all the wonderful people who have helped me.

OK. That's enough chatting. Now I'll get down to business.

How do I say thank you?

I'm new to blogging, so please tell me how I can thank Mary for her lovely response to my post of September 1.

Help choose a title

I'm looking for a more gripping title for my "Book of Mrs. Job." Please help. Would any of these attract you with the thought of buying? (There will be a cover with the caves of Petra in the background and a beautiful woman with flowing sleeves in the foreground.)

• Steadfast conviction
• Wisdom's trials
• For better and for worse
• Or the suggestion of your choice.

Thanks

Discussing Restorative Justice

After my talk last Monday at the Adler Graduate School I had a request from one person for help in defending the concept of restorative justice. Obviously I can only respond with guesses as to the objections. A few points might help. First of all, back to the definition I cited: "Restorative justice is a theory of justice that emphasizes repairing the harm caused or revealed by criminal behavior.  It is best accomplished through cooperative processes that include all stakeholders." It is one of three concepts of justice which were presented, the other two being retributive justice, focusing on punishment, and social justice, attempting to reduce crime-producing conditions at ground level. 

It's natural to want to inflict pain on the offender as in retributive justice, and there are those who argue that the result would be reduction in crime as people anticipate what might happen to them if they were to offend. Another argument is that criminals are kept away from society so they can't offend again. The question I raised on Monday was whether and how well that approach works to reduce crime. 

Restorative justice evolved in part through the recognition that the primary focus of retributive justice is on the accused, leaving the victim on his or her own to heal. Seen in this way, restorative justice does not argue against punishment for crime so much as for paying more attention to the needs of the victim.  Hence the word "restorative." It has broadened, however, to include healing of the criminal, even if or while he or she is incarcerated or suffering some other punishment. There is growing evidence that it works to reduce crime, and to salvage the contributions both victim and offender can make to society.

Both retributive justice and restorative justice operate after the fact. There are those of us who feel strongly that the goal of crime reduction is best met by an increase in social justice. Yes, that's a huge job, but so is the maintenance of our penal system.

On Monday I spoke for over an hour, with the additional help of charts and handouts, so I hope it's clear that this is a sampler of a much more complicated issue.

It's mine to keep?

I've been asked to write about my Mrs. Job, and I will do that, but not today. Right now I'm having a very personal reaction to what I heard a young person say in a radio interview recently. "We are about to go to work," he said, "and we have a right to keep what we earn." This is a variant on, "I worked hard for what I have and I deserve to keep it." This tension between the personal and community, always there, is complex and exacerbated during a period of political controversy. I will refrain from doing the professorial thing of pontificating on these issues. I just want to talk about my own experience. 

The truth is, I have been pretty successful in my career, and I have worked very hard all along the way. At one point, back when my children were relatively young, I got annoyed with people's assumptions that college professors didn't work hard.  After all, they thought, we only had to show up in class a few times a week and talk. So I kept a minute by minute log of the time I put in during the week actually working at my paying job.  That didn't include time spent reading and studying stuff in my field.  It turned out that I was devoting 50 hours a week to my job.  And I still work, I'm happy to say, pretty much on my own schedule.  I do it because I don't want to stop, and because my success has not led to massive wealth. If I want to travel, I have to earn the money to do it.

But here's my point.  I did not do this hard work all by myself.  I grew up in a home where there were no cockroaches running regularly through my bedroom, nor were there rats nibbling at my toes. True, we did have a mouse in the house once -- a rare enough event that I remember it.  There were no gunshots forcing us to eat on the floor to escape the death that might come through our windows, and no toxic air making asthma inhalers common supplies in our school bags. I was free to walk the distance to the school bus stop without fear of being attacked, and, as far as I know, none of my friends fell victim to rape or incest. At the beginning of the school year I got new clothes and a new pencil box.  And I remember the thrill of the new crayons that were provided by the school system.

I was fortunate to have a mother and father with excellent parenting skills who encouraged my creativity and eagerness to learn, unbiased by the fact that I am a female.  More than that, I enjoyed their full financial support to attend Connecticut College (for Women at that time), a truly demanding college where academic excellence was encouraged, and partying was not.  I was even fortunate to attend college at a time when the institution acted in locus parenti, with the right to prevent self-destructive behavior on campus. I did work at the library and typing papers for classmates, and at various jobs in the summertime.  Most of my summers I worked at the Bristol Brass Corporation where my father was employed. I learned a lot from those jobs, and added to my personal funds. Perhaps most outstanding compared to today's graduates, I had no college loans to repay when I graduated. I was free just to move on to the next phase of my career.

Graduate school was next, and there my parents enhanced my earnings as a professor's assistant. Oh, let's not forget whoever it was who donated funds to Boston University that made it possible for them to grant assistantships and scholarships.  And I have to recognize the folks who had the courage to hire me, a woman, at a time when that was not so easy to do.

There's so much more that helped me, like access to good medical and dental care, and sufficient funds to eat healthily.  Besides all this, I lived in a nation and time when obstacles in my way were relatively minimal. So, what's my point? It really isn't all about me.  Sure, I worked hard, but that's not the entire reason for my success, or even the basic cause. I owe a huge debt to the community.

So, I just can't feel that I should get to keep it all because I worked hard for it.  I hope and believe that I have been rewarded for being a good steward of the gifts left in my care by community near and distant.