I'm including a couple of e-mails I received recently, just because I want to share my joy, and of course I'd like to hear more good stuff from some of you.
"I got Mrs. Job from Amazon and started reading it yesterday...and couldn't stop until I finished today. What a wonderful story! I wrote this review, which I just posted on both Amazon and Barnes and Noble. 'I enjoyed Mrs. Job on its own merits as fine historical fiction, but throughout my reading I was drawn by its wonderful potential as a companion work to the Book of Job. As a public high school English teacher who has taught the Bible as literature in Advanced Placement classes, having students read Dr. Affinito’s treatment of the life of Job’s wife before embarking on the Biblical work would serve to humanize and contextualize Job’s story, expanding it beyond what students sometimes narrowly perceive as a tale of unfathomable suffering. Through the author’s vivid prose, readers come to know Job the Edomite man, the loving husband and father, the “dissident,” through the eyes, and senses, of his wife who is, in every way, his life’s partner. In the tradition of the day, theirs is an arranged marriage, but one that grows into great love and mutual respect. No shrinking violet she, Dara questions what he does not, she rails against that which he accepts. The foundation of this interplay and conflict serves to more richly illustrate Job’s character (and faith) during his later trials. I parenthesize “faith” because, while the story’s characters are Biblical in origin, the story itself is timeless: Dara’s evolution as a person and the great joys and profound sorrows that punctuate her life resonate through the ages.'"
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"I finally finished reading Mrs. Job last week and have been waiting for it all to settle in before writing you, somewhat like a taste of something you love and it takes time to savor. I had no idea you could write so beautifully! A few things I especially appreciated were: your description of feelings of a maturing young girl; the relationship of two very close friends who even though separated never lose their bond and the concept of hospitality among nomads which, it never occurred to me before, is necessary for their very survival. The characterization of both Job and Dara as really strong individuals really makes the whole story very uplifting, even with all the suffering."
Now for some blatant marketing: A signed copy of Mrs. Job can be ordered by way of my e-mail, for one. forgivenessoptions@earthlink.net
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
IT'S REALLY ALL ABOUT CONTROL
As far as I know, I'm the only one who has a chapter on the "Case Against Forgiveness" in my book (When to Forgive). One big piece of that is my objection to the shaming effect on the part of well-meaning people, religious and otherwise, who urge forgiveness on people who have experienced an offense. It's also based on the observation that there may be other routes to relief and health. That's why I resisted the publisher's efforts to title my book something like "The Miracle of Forgiveness," because I felt the most important factor was having a choice.
At a recent conference, I found some validation for my belief that forgiveness (deciding not to punish) is not necessarily the only road to wholeness. The presenter was talking about his work with brain-injured people. Toward the end, he provided evidence of two cases of productive psychological resolution even though the physical disability was permanent. I found myself automatically assuming that each of them had forgiven the attackers who caused their severe brain damage. But when I questioned the speaker after the presentation, he told me that neither one of them had given up on anger and seeking punishment for the perpetrators. I hesitate in saying this, because I know this is a complex issue that does require a whole chapter, but I do want to jump off from this with some of my thoughts about control.
I've come to believe that being in control of oneself is the bottom-line essential for all therapy or other routes to healthful resolution of hurt from any source. Life's attacks disorient and disorganize us so that, in a real sense, we are not all together. Putting it this way is not very professional. but I think the key is pulling it all back together under our own control. (Notice that what I'm saying has nothing to do with controlling others, except in the sense of taking back control from those who are hurting you.) Quite literally pulling oneself together provides the energy to be happy, even joyful, and productive.
That means accepting the twelve-step goal of distinguishing between that which we can control and that which we can't and taking appropriate action on that distinction. The gift that forgiveness gives us is point number one on the bookmark in the previous blog: "As long as you can't forgive them, they are in control of your life." But that "can't forgive them" piece is complex. I think what it refers to is obsession with the anger and sense of unfairness, along with an impotent desire to get back at the offender. It was possible for the two people referred to by the conference speaker to regain potency by placing the anger energy in a reasonable place, fighting for legal justice. Life regained its order. I think that's what wholeness is all about. Just for the fun of it, look back on the items in the previous blog and look for the element of self-control in each. I'd love to hear comments and responses on these roughly conveyed thoughts.
At a recent conference, I found some validation for my belief that forgiveness (deciding not to punish) is not necessarily the only road to wholeness. The presenter was talking about his work with brain-injured people. Toward the end, he provided evidence of two cases of productive psychological resolution even though the physical disability was permanent. I found myself automatically assuming that each of them had forgiven the attackers who caused their severe brain damage. But when I questioned the speaker after the presentation, he told me that neither one of them had given up on anger and seeking punishment for the perpetrators. I hesitate in saying this, because I know this is a complex issue that does require a whole chapter, but I do want to jump off from this with some of my thoughts about control.
I've come to believe that being in control of oneself is the bottom-line essential for all therapy or other routes to healthful resolution of hurt from any source. Life's attacks disorient and disorganize us so that, in a real sense, we are not all together. Putting it this way is not very professional. but I think the key is pulling it all back together under our own control. (Notice that what I'm saying has nothing to do with controlling others, except in the sense of taking back control from those who are hurting you.) Quite literally pulling oneself together provides the energy to be happy, even joyful, and productive.
That means accepting the twelve-step goal of distinguishing between that which we can control and that which we can't and taking appropriate action on that distinction. The gift that forgiveness gives us is point number one on the bookmark in the previous blog: "As long as you can't forgive them, they are in control of your life." But that "can't forgive them" piece is complex. I think what it refers to is obsession with the anger and sense of unfairness, along with an impotent desire to get back at the offender. It was possible for the two people referred to by the conference speaker to regain potency by placing the anger energy in a reasonable place, fighting for legal justice. Life regained its order. I think that's what wholeness is all about. Just for the fun of it, look back on the items in the previous blog and look for the element of self-control in each. I'd love to hear comments and responses on these roughly conveyed thoughts.
THE POWER OF A BOOKMARK
This really is a bookmark, but I had to cut it into two segments in order to upload it. And I did want you to see it, to go with the story I have to tell.Recently a local business man called me into his office as I passed by to tell me the effect of the bookmark on his life. Flying from Minnesota to the east coast for his mother's funeral, he was troubled by the negativity of the emotions he harbored toward her. To distract himself he was trying to read a book (not one of mine), but what caught his eye was the bookmark I had given him. He wanted me to know that by the end of the flight, after contemplating its words, he was calm and comfortable about his mother. Forgiveness had happened.
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