White Nail Polish

A response from a friend reminds me why I've been wearing nail polish the last few years. It's a friendship thing again. I was there when Hallie died. It must have been eight years ago, but it doesn't seem that long. She waited for me, I think, to make it from Minnesota to Cape Cod. The hospice folks were there, so they got to hear our last exchange. I rattled off silly stories from our years together, and she laughed a real Hallie laugh. Then she checked out. It was actually 2:00 a.m. the next morning when she finished her journey, but for all practical purposes, she ended her life with a laugh. 

What a gift for me to have been there. My daughter was with us too and was all gratitude for having been included in that blessed event. 

Some time later I realized I was wearing white nail polish pretty regularly. I've never been a nail polish kind of person, so I was a bit of a puzzle for myself. Then I remembered Hallie's hands as she lay dying, beautifully manicured with white nail polish. What a caring gesture it was for someone to take the time to give her that comfort in her last days.

Now I know, my white nails are a memorial to Hallie, as is remembering her childhood energy which greatly outmatched mine, and her smile which I spot on my face in the mirror sometimes.

Dunkin' Donuts

The new Dunkin' Donuts in Natick, Mass was our special stop on the way home to Connecticut from our apartment in Boston. It was 1955 and Lou and I were just married. Today's radio report (August 24, 2008) announced that Dunkin' Donuts is coming to the midwest. My arithmetic tells me that's fifty-three years. Fear of death by atomic bomb is not so powerful as it was then (though perhaps more realistic). The Korean conflict is long over -- finally recognized on Veteran's Day and in the Washington D.C. memorial as the real war it was. Our house with the fall-out shelter inspired by the Cuban Missile Crisis has long belonged to another family. The Vietnam War is over, but the fall-out remains. John F. Kennedy; Martin Luther King; Robert Kennedy, to name only the most frequently cited martyrs, have left their mark on rights for black citizens. Women have made great strides toward equality even though the equal rights amendment didn't make it. We all, men and women, still have a long way to go.

Lou and I, divorced after twenty years, can be grateful for our two healthy children and two healthy grandchildren. Friends remain a strong and powerful source of comfort. Lou's parents have completed their journey, as have mine. My brother and Lou's brother-in-law have moved on. The rest of us are, as my father once said, on our way out, but stretching exit time as long as possible.

The point is, we are all still here, making our small marks on the world. I need to remember that when I look at today's crises. So many years to contemplate and practice forgiveness and justice, and to fall short, 'cause we are human, and to learn from it. At least so far, life for us fortunate ones go on. Each of us can only do a small part toward extending that fortune to others, but we sure do try.

So welcome, Dunkin' Donuts. I guess we are all growing old, hopefully with as much energy as you display in coming here to challenge MacDonald's and Starbuck's, and maybe Caribou Coffee?

Appreciation of friends

I guess this isn't the deepest, or most dramatic or meaningful entry, but it's what's really on my mind today -- how much I appreciate friends.  I especially enjoy the friends who don't get jealous if I don't call or write them every week, but are there and ready whenever I reach out to connect, even after years. And many do the same occasional reaching out to me. It feels like the invisible waves that make cell phones work. You can't see whatever it is, but the connection is there just waiting to be dialed up wherever you, and they, happen to be.

I've felt such gratitude for those connections these past couple of weeks when I was appealing to people for help in marketing my forgiveness books. Frankly, I do hope some sales results will follow, but mostly I am just awed -- actually to tears -- with the caring responses. 

The flip side is the work it takes to figure out what I can do with this blog and with membership on Facebook and suggestions like writing for e-zine. Now I'm also exploring some of the suggestions for publishing "The Book of Mrs. Job." I must say, I do appreciate whoever it was who responded to the question, "How do you become a best seller?" with "... by being a best seller."  Fortunately I don't aspire to that, so I can take time to do all the other things I want to get involved in. 

Here's the bottom line. Thanks

What do Restorative Justice, Forgiveness, and Mrs. Job have in common?

On Monday, September 8, I'll be doing the cafe talk at the Adler Graduate School on the title of this blog. Does anyone want to guess?

In the meantime, I could use some help. I'll be publishing "The Book of Mrs. Job" maybe even by Christmas, but I'd like some catchy suggestions on what to add after the colon. At the present time it's "The Book of Mrs. Job: A Story of Love and Devotion." That really does describe what it is -- as one reviewer said, devotion both to Job and to God.  But mostly it's a fun, sometimes moving, read. The cover will show the caves at Petra where she wintered in her nomadic years, and -- against that backdrop -- a lovely woman in long, flowing sleeves, representing the wealthy wife she became. So, let me know if you think of anything.  I don't guarantee to use it, but I will certainly appreciate it.

And while I'm here, let me just add some stuff for clarification. I have several links over there on the right hand side. Most of them pertain to my forgiveness books, nice short helps for someone who has been victimized to turn that defeat into a victory, so to speak. Great, I think, for working out end of life issues with family as well as living relationship issues, but also responding to violence in a healing way. In all those crises, if you're like me, a shorter book focused only on you can be much more comfortable than one talking about stuff in general. You can order either of these directly from the publishers, or on Amazon.com. At the latter site you could add a comment. Or you could order a signed copy of either of them by going to my web site,  Forgiveness Options.

Unless cyberspace has betrayed me, you should be able to get quickly to any of those sites by clicking on the link.

Forgiveness and Restorative Justice -- Different?

I've been challenged to keep my blog focused on one topic in order to avoid confusion.  More specifically, it was suggested that I might have two blogs, one for Forgiveness and another for Restorative Justice. (Of course, in either case I'd reserve the right to talk about other stuff, like what happens when I can't sleep.)

The challenge came up when I referred to two things I'll be doing in October at Shepherd Of The Hill Presbyterian Church. (See my link to the church). On Saturday, October 4, I get the opportunity to do an all-day workshop on forgiveness and on Tuesday, October 14, I expect to participate in the dialogue series by presenting on "Save One; Save All: Restorative Justice/Restored Community."

I decided against separation into two blogs because Forgiveness and Restorative Justice rely basically on the same thing -- good problem solving as opposed to the emotional but vain and short-lived pleasure of vengeance.  In the long run, what action will do the most good for individuals and, more broadly, for the community of which we are a part? And both attend first to the needs of the victim(s) of wrongdoing.

It really is a matter of knowing what you can change

last night I went to bed relieved that I had solved blogger and link problems -- all with the help of my friends. "I'll really sleep tonight, I thought, now that I have that problem under control." And then I watched disturbing news on TV and lost all hope of falling asleep quickly. Usually I spend the hour before sleep time watching some CSI program or other. That's relaxing, 'cause I know it's all fiction, and it will be solved in the end. But real horrendous news, like the treatment of women in Afghanistan, is terribly stressful for an empath (that's what my son calls me) like me. 

This morning, I thought, "AHA!  That's it... a matter of control. The only person I can change is me. I can't change the Afghanistan situation -- not just before going to sleep, anyway. But I can restore my habit of watching fiction (or no TV at all) at bedtime."

And then I thought of the forgiveness of the Amish after the slaughter in their schoolhouse. That's it. There's nothing they could do to bring their children back, but they could control what they did themselves, acts of welcome and empathy to the family of the killer, acts that strengthened their own belief in themselves and their faith. How far that is from the desire for vengeance that nature often drives us to -- an act which either makes our own problems tougher, or gets us in personal trouble with the law, or leaves us frustrated because we really can't do anything about it, or escalates into destructive war of one kind or another. 

Knowing oneself and being in control of the behaviors that follow really is the essence of good health and forgiveness.

Searching for answers

And the answers I need today are very practical ones. How do I create a link? Has this reached the e-mails of my guinea pig friends. Will you forgive me for being annoying?

The basic rule for everything psychological

The only person you can change is yourself. This is the great and peace-granting first discovery in working through your reaction to hurt.

Opportunity, are you knocking?

What a wonderful response I got when I asked my friends for brilliant ideas on how to market my forgiveness books, and even get The Book of Mrs. Job published. I'm just getting started on developing smarts about the internet, but it took me no time to appreciate the love I felt when so many e-mailed me with suggestions. From all over the country came suggestions. Thanks, I'll keep you posted.