'TIS THE SEASON

I love this day! – The Winter Solstice. From now on more sunlight, more cheer.

I love this holiday season too. I have been blessed with a Santa Claus Christmas since my childhood. I know that’s a blessing I don’t share with everyone, a fact which makes me sad. But the music and the memories make me glad as well, along with deep gratitude to my family. I especially love the fact that MPR’s classical station plays so much more choral music during this period.

I love realizing that I’ve made it through another year with good health. If all goes as planned I’ll enjoy another healthy Christmas with my family in a few days.

It’s the Holiday, really. I wish joy for everyone, however you celebrate the coming of the sunlight.

And wouldn’t it be glorious if our thoughts of peace were to become more concrete in 2012? That’s my wish.

FUN AT THE ADLER CAFÉ

Last evening I had a good time first enjoying a potluck feast and then with the chance to chat with Adler folks and friends on the topic of forgiveness. (I sneaked in a bit on Mrs. Job as well.) What a neat group! I understand that a common comment at the end was “It’s necessarily complex.” That it is. Lots of discussion followed my suggestion that “to forgive is to accuse.” After it was all over, one person asked whether it’s possible to forgive someone without their knowing that you have even accused them, to say nothing of forgiving them. The answer? – an unhesitating “yes.” Forgiving is basically for the forgiver.

While we were chatting after the session was over, one woman conveyed her thanks to women of my generation for the work we had done for women. It got me started – remembering when my daughter at 13 couldn’t switch from her pediatrician to a woman physician because one was not available – women were not allowed residencies at the local hospitals. Then I went on remembering – no women pharmacists, anchors on the evening news, reporters from all over-including war zones, police officers, mail carriers, military personnel, fill in the blanks. Certainly there were no women in authority on CSI (but then, I guess there was no CSI.) The point? Change happens, best observed when we look back. Back when Lou, the Italian Catholic, married me, a Swedish Lutheran, it was a mixed marriage. Today it would hardly qualify.

The lesson? We best understand what we’ve been living through when we look back at it. Sort of hopeful, I think.

HELP OTHERS KEEP THEIR DIGNITY

           

Sometimes clients attribute their own wisdom to me. I think that was the case recently when a client told me she found it helpful that I had said it’s important to help others keep their dignity. I’d like to believe I said it. I certainly agree with it.

Some behavioral stuff that’s important in following through on that is focusing on the other and, though it sounds like an oxymoron, doing that by making no “you” statements, as in judging, but rather using “I,” as in recognizing and expressing my own feelings and opinions in a respectful way -- taking responsibility for myself. Well, there are exceptions. I love receiving a “you” statement that suggests, as she did, that I had been helpful. It’s the blaming yous or the guessing-how-you-are-feeling yous that deprive others of dignity.

OK, that’s my thought for the day. Confusing? Hmm. Maybe that’s why I need clients to translate my psychobabble into English.

DEVASTATION IN CONNECTICUT

Thanks to my friend in Connecticut who feels fortunate to have access to power at her worksite. For those of us who aren't there, here's a sense of what it's like for those who are.

It’s now Day 6 with no heat, hot water, electricity, telephone...nothing!  This includes no gasoline at the pumps, food spoilage, and no stove for cooking. I’ve never seen such a storm (18-24” snow) such as the one we had this past weekend...actually I’ve never even seen snow in October.   What made this storm so deadly and the “perfect storm” was the combination of water-logged soil from Hurricane Irene, excessive moisture in the air, and trees fully laden with their fall leaves. Nature’s “gift” of hail; heavy, wet snow; icy roads, and (here’s another first) a thunder and lightning storm made for a truly apocalyptic night. In all my years in New England, I have never seen such horrific damage – not only did tree limbs break, but the whole tops of trees snapped off like candy canes.  Huge trees were uprooted and tossed about like matchsticks, ripping power lines from the poles, blocking roads, and destroying anything in their way.   The whole area now looks like a war zone, with everything closed.

IN THE INTEREST OF FAIRNESS AND FULL DISCLOSURE

This is Mr. McCabe's e-mail response to my previous posting re accusations of attempts to defraud and of lying - everything from this point on is a copy of what he sent, including his highlighting. (If it is confusing, most of it through my signature is a copy of my original correspondence with him which he has quoted.)

"OK,

I’ll just post your original email:

“ -----Original Message-----

 From: Mona [mailto:forgivenessoptions@earthlink.net]

 Sent: Friday, October 28, 2011 6:39 AM

 To: wpmccabe@wildoceanseafoods.com

 Subject: Double order

 Identified as customer ID 5017, I have a receipt for order #9045,

 dated 10:06 am, 10/20/2011 for the total amount of $23.43.

 I have received notice, however, that two orders have been sent, the

 other one numbered 9044. Also, my American Express Account has been

 charged twice.

 This is a surprise gift to the addressee and, unfortunately, you've

 already shipped it. But I don't want to pay double what I planned, and

 I don't want to burden them with a trip to return it. I'll notify my

 American Express account to withhold payment on the second shipment.

 Perhaps you can send Mr. MacGregor a self addressed envelope with

 which to return the other one.

 Please get back to me on how to handle this.

 Thanks,

 Mona Gustafson Affinito”

Our response will be posted as well.  Perhaps the next time you wish to “socialize” some correspondence, you will show your friends the complete dialog."

Forgive Wild Fresh Frozen Seafood for insult?

Forgiveness does not mean accepting abuse. Not having received the apology I asked for at the end of this episode, I'm sharing this story as widely as I can.

Anyone ordering from Wild Fresh Frozen Seafood should call within a few hours to confirm that only one order has been entered on their computer. The number to call is 800-980-2435   Or, if you raise a question, be prepared to be insulted.


Before I go on with the back story, I just noticed that he says I ordered Crab bibs. I ordered lobster bibs. I do hope he sent the right thing, or my gift recipient might be insulted. Fortunately he's a good friend so I'm sure it won't do too much damage.

This is the back story. I've emphasized some important lines in bold:

On 10/20/2011 I ordered a product for $23.43 and immediately received a confirmation for order #2045 - usual procedure when ordering on the web, I relaxed until I received notice on 10/27/2011 that two orders were being shipped, #2045 and #2044. My credit card had been charged twice.

            I assumed an error had been made. (I still assume it was all an error.) I sent an e-mail identifying the order numbers, saying, “This is a surprise gift to the addressee and, unfortunately, you've already shipped it. But I don't want to pay double what I planned, and I don't want to burden them with a trip to return it. I'll notify my credit card to withhold payment on the second shipment. Perhaps you can send [him] a self-addressed envelope with which to return the other one.

            Please get back to me on how to handle this.

Thanks,

Mona Gustafson Affinito"

In response I expected something like, “We apologize for the inconvenience. We will send a postage paid attachment for Mr. [  ] to return the extra item.” Instead I got an accusation that I was trying to defraud Mr. McCabe.

“Dear Monica, (Note the name change.)

You ordered two sets of crab bibs, we sent two sets.  We have no way of "charging your card" after you order..If you wish to return one, you will have to pay for return shipping. Should you feel that defrauding us of $22.43 is an appropriate response, we will challenge the attempted chargeback.”

            And then came the implied accusation that I’m a liar. When I responded that I had received only one receipt, he responded,”Regarding your receipt(s).  You got two.  Every completed order has an emailed receipt.  This function has never failed.”

             I’m willing to concede I may have hit the “finish” button twice, in which case I would expect I would have received two receipts. Then I would have called to cancel the second order before it was shipped. I’d also be willing to apologize for the error. The truth is, I never received the second receipt. Believe me, if I were going to start a career of fraud at this stage in my long squeaky clean life, I’d aim for something more than $23.43.

            Anyway, I told him to accept the $23.43, that I forgave him for the insult, and I’d like an apology. I waited for that before posting this. None was received, so here I am.

Mona Gustafson Affinito

http://www.forgivenessoptions.com

Empty Bowls

Thanks to my friend Anne Sinclair for sending this --

One way we here in Santa Barbara raise money for the Food Bank at this crucial time of the year is have  an "Empty Bowls" Event held on the first Sunday in November.  Local artists make bowls that the donors choose upon arriving.  Gourmet soups are provided by local restaurants and some of our SB notables such as the mayor, a popular columnist in the local Independent newspaper and actors (John Cleese) serve the soup.
Water and bread are also provided.  Every donation ($25) goes to the Food Bank.  It is a poplar event and last year the third sitting (200 servings per sitting) was added. There is also a silent auction of donated items and services.
Oh, and yes, the donors get to take their bowls home.