Mrs. Job's cover

Yesterday I was all wrapped up in holiday, but Lisa would probably tell you I've been even more wrapped up in Mrs. Job. It's cover design time, and I had a very specific vision in mind. The caves of Petra were to be in the background, representing her early years as a nomad. In the foreground was to be a beautiful, regal Mrs. Job with long, flowing, royal purple sleeves. Try as we might, however, the designer and I couldn't come up with it. So, time to change my set, I decided on an acacia tree. They are really lovely and flowing, at least some of them are, so I hope in 5 or 10 days to see her final work-up.

Now back to decorating and anticipating.

Holidays Again -- Amazing -- Part Two

PLEASE READ PART ONE (BELOW) FIRST
And then there were the Anderson Christmases, not always right on the Eve or the day, because there was a fairly large family to get together -- a logistical challenge. I don't think we ate a full meal at Grandma and Grandpa's, but whatever it was, it was Swedish. Everything about family Christmas was Swedish. Even the Lutheran church service was Swedish in my early years.

Christmas morning, however, was definitely American. Presents galore, or at least it seemed so to me, and opened one at a time, with full appreciation and thank yous to the donors. Then Hallie came over to see what I had received before I went through our adjoining back yards to see hers.

Later, as grandparents and first-born uncles aged and died, and as siblings married and had children, Christmases were celebrated in my home, my mother carrying on the smorgasbord tradition.

And I dated. Once I didn't make it home in time to help my father with the Christmas tree. I still suffer guilt.

Married in 1955, I carried on the smorgasbord tradition in my home, though not always so genuinely Swedish and not always right on the Eve or day. Oh, I did that the first couple of years -- Gustafsons on Christmas Eve and Affinitos on Christmas day, but it wasn't long before my family agreed to come a week or so before the 25th. And the Affinito celebrations were as close to Italian as I could make them.

Christmas Eve usually involved my going to my church -- Lutheran -- to sing in the choir, while Doug and Lisa went with their Dad to Catholic Mass. It was usually a long mass. I guess the Priest really wanted to take advantage of the size of the Christmas crowd. For me, it meant lots of time to wrap stocking stuffers before they got home.And our children had a very American Christmas morning, after we had paid a tradition visit to Mrs. Mirto. (I brought along one present for each of our children to open while we were there.)

My children learned about Santa Claus the same way I had -- my brother as Santa. But they loved Harvey as much as I, so it was OK that he was Santa. Well, I guess to be honest I should say that they suspected something was up even before Harvey's appearance confirmed it.

And so Christmas traditions change. Later tonight, if all goes as planned, Doug (my son, Lisa's brother) and KJ (Lisa's daughter -- senior at St. Olaf) will arrive in Williamsburg, VA to pick up on our new traditions. Doug and Lisa's children -- no longer children -- will make gingerbread cookies. On Christmas Eve Doug will make two different kinds of soup, and on Christmas day we'll have steak and chicken, and still an American slow exchange of gifts, though many fewer this year. Everyone feels the pinch.

And I'll bore everyone by saying, "I can't believe I've made it to another healthy Christmas. How blessed I am!"

And how spoiled I am. I do so wish everyone could enjoy their version of holiday celebration in peace instead of hunger and fear. I do so hope that we are edging closer to the day.

Holidays again -- amazing -- part one

Every year I am amazed to have made it to another happy, healthy holiday season. Oh, the truth is they haven't all been happy. Nothing was happy around the time that my marriage ended -- way back in 1976. But my Christmas memories encompass so many years that a couple of not-so-great ones fade into the background. And even in those years the celebrations were good and complete. I was still carrying on the family tradition of Christmas Eve smorgasbords at that time. That went on until the Christmas after my brother's son committed suicide just around Thanksgiving time.

The year of the suicide my brother called me on December 11th, the day of his birthday, to say that he had received the final "gift" from his son -- his ashes. We tried to maintain the Christmas tradition that year, but anyone could have told us the pall would be too great.

After that, for a while before I moved from Connecticut to Minnesota, I enjoyed presenting a modified smorgasbord for my women colleagues/friends at Southern Connecticut State University. They were such a blessing. I miss that group. I miss the non-Christmas memory of the time I hosted a tupperware party for that group and we got really silly/giddy fighting for a little plastic pill container. I still have mine.

But my memories carry me back much farther (further?) than that. I was pretty much the youngest of the youngest on both sides of my family. My cousin Eunice on the Anderson side was about six months younger. But you get the picture. I was really special. And how special those Christmases were! My father's oldest brother and his wife had acquired a lovely Victorian house by working for it. The stories vary, but I think the correct one is that they had worked as butler and maid for the family who owned it, with the deal that it would be theirs when the owners died. However it happened, it was a fantastic Christmas house. Christmas Eve found some 22 or more of us around a huge smorgasbord. I don't think I enjoyed it much, because I couldn't wait to go into the parlor to sit around the tree and anticipate the ho-ho-ho of Santa Claus. And he did come -- year after year. Somewhere around when I was 8 years old, my brother, eleven years older than I, stood in for my cousin. Harvey couldn't see very well without his glasses, so he needed my help reading the tags. I guess it was time anyway, but there was no way I could believe in Santa Claus after getting up that close. I didn't tell my parents until the next year, though, because I didn't want them to feel bad.

That was Christmas Eve with the Gustafsons. And now I have to leave this to go on to a newer Christmas tradition -- helping my daughter get her house ready for the family coming together for another annual celebration. I'll be back.

Happy Holidays, and Why I've Been Remiss

Yes, this is a wish for happy holidays. But first let me apologize that I haven't even looked at my own blog since I last posted, and steer you to a couple of interesting comments on previous blogs. I don't know how to reply to them directly. Maybe somebody out there can teach me a better response to those kind people, because this time I'm going to come right out and ask for comments. I'd like to suggest that what Marina had to say is especially potent given that she is a practicing psychologist in Minnesota who carries with her the experience of growing up in Russia.

And now to "Happy Holidays." Yes, Happy Holidays. I'm happy when someone wishes me a Merry Christmas, though I do think "Happy Christmas," or "Blessed Christmas" or "Peaceful Christmas" might be more appropriate. But I do mean "Happy Holidays." Basically, this is a holiday celebrating the winter solstice, and how I do look forward to the days getting longer. But I want to make the point that I wish happiness for everyone as you celebrate this season within whatever context, faith, or non-faith is right for you. And, though I don't think I'm too good at it, I am in my own urgent way praying for peace, the end of poverty, care for this world with which we have been gifted, a growth of true liberty in our own beloved country, an end to torture and genocide, and the termination of the kind of greed that allows a man to be trampled to death in the search of bargains. I am offended by those who would exclude anyone but "Christians" from this hopeful time. There, I've had my say on that one. 

Now on to my request. Please accept this as a holiday card from me. You're on this list because you are important to me, and I wish I could do what I did back in the old days. I mean, the days when I had lots of energy, so I could be finishing up a teaching semester, preparing a sensational (I hope) Christmas celebration for my family, including choosing and buying presents, baking lots of cookies, planning and ultimately preparing feasts served on china, sterling, and silver, practicing Christmas music with the choir, and attending special celebrations. Then I used to have Christmas cards out pretty much at Thanksgiving time, with a complete 3x5 card record reminding me to forget no one. Of course, each greeting card was addressed individually, including a hand-written return address, each envelope licked closed (probably with a damp sponge), and stamped in the same licking way. The total used to add up to over 100.

Little by little, always with a terrible feeling of remorse, I have removed the names of friends who are no longer alive to receive the cards. But mostly, little by little, that young energy has dissipated, or maybe I've just become wrapped up in other things.  or maybe I'm just more in tune with the tools of our current time. At any rate, I do feel a little guilty, but I'm not sending out individual cards except to people I can't reach through the internet.

Some of those who will be getting hand-written holiday cards from me are people on Amnesty International's list if prisoners of conscience. We'll be doing a Write-a-Thon at Mount Calvary on December 14. I don't know if we'll have 5 people or 100 writing. I'm hoping for the 100. As with everything else, much will depend on the quality of the marketing. I think we have some good people doing some fantastic work on that.

Which takes me neatly, I think, into a bit of what else I've been doing. The Shepherd of the Hill Presbyterian Church up the street from me has an awesome pastor who really gets things done! There are now in the little church a couple of empty rooms, vacated by a nursery school. Pastor Gordon Stewart has proposed developing some kind of restorative justice service for the community, headquartered in those rooms. We have a team ready to go on firming up a plan. You might, by the way, want to visit their web site. I think you'll still find there photos of the beautiful, indeed awesome, paintings done by He Qi, a famous Chinese Artist who was hosted at a reception there this past Friday.

At Mount Calvary, I'm getting a bit re-energized for our JustFaith+ group now that we have two fantastic new pastors bringing our pastoral staff up to five. (Obviously Mt. Calvary is quite a bit larger than Shepherd on the Hill.) The Amnesty International Write-a-thon is our first venture out of (my) approximate doldrums.

And then there are all the holiday pleasures. I'm beginning to get tired with all the activity, delightful as it is. On Thursday Doug (my son), Kirsti (my St. Olaf senior granddaughter) and I attended the St. Olaf Holiday Festival. Back in Connecticut I never imagined a school with so many students in so many large choruses with such beautiful voices. I especially love that the whole program proceeds without applause until the very end. (I really hate the disruption of applause in any situation.) And I like that it all goes on with no intermission. (I get cranky and irritable about intermissions, too.) St. Olaf is, after all, an ELCA school with a huge Norwegian influence. (ELCA = Evangelical Lutheran Church in America.) Therefore, there are lots of Norwegian sweaters in the huge audience. Best of all, they have the audience sing some of the songs, specifying which verses should be sung only by women, or only by men, or by all. And no one of those thousands ever sings when they shouldn't.  How's that for an ethnic characteristic? (And my heritage is Swedish. To the Norwegians in Minnesota, that's a significant difference -- makes me a bit lower class...)

Yesterday there were the Augsburg choirs in Vespers at Central Lutheran Church. For this Forestville, Connecticut provincial the Cathedral is like visiting Europe. Well, it is like a European cathedral. The Auggies were equally as impressive as the Olies (oops!  I may be spelling those wrong.)

This afternoon Doug and I will see and hear the Vocal Essence "welcome Christmas" program and then run over to the Xcel center to meet Kirsti and our friend Carolyn to hear the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Whew! 

I don't like the snow coming down, though. I don't look forward to driving to Doug's in my little Acura for which I failed to get the new tires that are needed. Twice already this season I have skidded into an intersection (actually blaming those darned anti-lock brakes as well as the tires.) Fortunately no one was coming the other way at the time.

In the meantime, I've been totally consumed with the latest stages in the development of Mrs. Job. I have received the copy-editing review of the book and spent a couple of days going through it. It has to be done according to the Chicago Manual of Style so the copy-editing was really valuable.  Of course, I really liked that the copy editor had very positive things to say about Mrs. Job, and most of the corrections were commas and semi-colons.  She had a little trouble, even though I had warned her, with the "G" or "g" in "-od" depending on whether Mrs. Job was accepting Job's god as one among many or as the one true God. Ah-ha, have I tempted you to read the book when it finally comes out?

The copy-editing used a Word function I didn't even know I had. Click a blue arrow and it takes you to the next comment/correction. Click the check mark if you approve. Click the red x if you don't, then fix it and click the check mark. Amazing. Not like the days of stamp-licking.

Next we work on blurbs etc. for the back cover, proof-reading (I really can't imagine what that involves after the copy-editing,) and finally the cover. I'm really anxious to see what they do with that.  

So, again I say HAPPY HOLIDAYS.

Karl Jung, King Lear, Mrs. Job, Mrs. Chapman, and the California fire

I'm starting over again on this one. Lost my first try. And wouldn't you know it, 'cause that's basically my theme. Jung's "opposites." I'm sure it's not the way he would say it, but every once in a while I/we just have to yield to the opposite. Lately, that's what's been going on for me. I just want to retreat into passively reading and pull away from all that socially conscious activity. Oh, I can't really do that, and I have been following through on things that have already captured me. There's doing my share to get the write-a-thon going at church for Amnesty International, and a bit of follow through on our intention to establish some kind of restorative justice program at the Presbyterian church up the street from me. And meetings with students whose theses I'm advising.

Of course, I can't leave Mrs. Job behind.  Right now (for a price) someone at iUniverse is examining her carefully to be sure she conforms to Chicago style. Next (for a fee) someone else will proofread her. I don't know how long it will take before I get feedback on that. Something in me -- perfectionism? the need to be right? -- had me going through her several times with a fine-toothed comb before sending her off on that next adventure. Not too bright, huh? I suppose it's like cleaning the house before the cleaning crew comes to be sure they don't find too much dirt, hoping, on the other hand, that they'll find something, so the money isn't paid out in vain. The next phase will be covers, front and back, and marketing. I've collected some really nice blurbs for that back cover. When will she be available for purchase? I don't know. Next time I'll be more knowledgeable about the process.

And why mention King Lear? Back when I was a Sophomore at Connecticut College (for Women, way back then) I got a B+ on my King Lear paper in the Shakespeare course, with the suggestion that I should become a Psychology major. I've never been sure whether that was a subtle put-down, but whatever, a psychologist I am and have been. But now, in pulling back, I've tried to act out the dream of sitting in a comfortable chair, reading for the fun of it. Of course, the first thing I do is fall asleep, but waking I have been doing some reading. I've have found that I can use Amazon.com's wish list to keep track of what I'm interested in getting to, and it does pay off for them, as in the gift certificate I got for my birthday. So, of the three I received recently, the first I opened was Paul Brians' Common Errors in English Usage. Amazingly, I didn't fall asleep. Instead, I spent an hour reading through from "a" through "d" of what is intended to be a reference book.  I guess that's what happens when you've been raised in a family where dinner table conversation was about the use of language (along with some religion and a smattering of politics.) So, I'm thinking. maybe I am at heart an English major. But then I started in on Foster's How to Read Novels Like a Professor, and found myself reading only the first sentence of each paragraph. So much for being mis-directed by my Shakespeare teacher.

About Mrs. Chapman? -- My landlady when I taught at the University of Vermont and dated Lou. In fact, she was one of the three non-family members at our little wedding. Somehow I thought she would go on forever being my Vermont friend, but on October 23 she died at home at the age of 100 after a brief illness of three weeks. I miss her. 

Life is a journey, and I feel a little sad about the fact that my parents will never get to see the DVD my son-in-law is putting together of photos from the 1955 trip I took with them to Sweden and Denmark, complete with reading from my mother's diary. Sometimes I wish I believed they were still watching my life here.

And the California fires? I'm happy to say that my friend in Santa Barbara escaped damage to her home, though it hit pretty close to her.

Oh yes, How is it that I have this time to retreat from the world? It turns out that one of the first places people save money when there's a downturn in the economy is on "luxuries" like visits to a psychologist. Here's where one of Lou's sayings comes into play. "Turn a Defeat into a Victory." And so, I'll enjoy this down time before the holidays arrive.

A Wave of Calm

Tomorrow is the day. You who know me well are aware that I've been pretty neurotic about this whole thing. I don't know when anything has seemed more important to me than this election. I really believe it is a major determinant of our nation's direction. But today, listening in the car to the CD of Friedmans "Hot, Flat, and Crowded," I realized that the direction for the future is inevitable no matter who's elected. In focusing on reducing our addiction to oil - which we have no choice but to do -  we'll be tapping into all the other important issues: climate change, rational foreign relations, potential for peaceful solutions, economic growth and justice, poverty reduction, and even women's protection. Did I miss anything?

And listening to discussions on public radio, it seems clear that real gaps in our education system have been revealed in the work-up to these elections. I mean -- real gaps, not just passing standardized tests. Out of that recognition I hope there will come some real solutions. I think of my brilliant CC classmates who couldn't share their knowledge in the public schools because they hadn't taken "methods" courses. People like them could contribute so much! I know, 'cause I remember finding excitement in American History sitting in the sand at Ocean Beach learning from my friend Justine. And when it comes to college, call me old fashioned, but I powerlessly rebelled during my teaching career as the curriculum moved away from basics during the first two years and into premature (I thought) commitment to a major. Oh,oh. I could go on...

There's more on the positive side: what excitement this campaign period has engendered!  It's been awful, but the excitement and commitment in itself is a blessing.

Oh, let's not forget Tina Fay. Think what it will do for Tina's career if Palin is elected. I'm glad for Tina, though, that she has so much talent, 'cause I'm not voting for her Palin future.

In the meantime, I'll keep plugging away at what I do. That includes scraping, scouring, and scrubbing at Lisa and Jan's lovely new/old home in Williamsburg, VA,  last week and getting Mrs. Job ready for the next round.

All in all, life is good. And thanks for all of you who continue to accept this blog from me.

But I am very sad that Obama's grandmother didn't survive to see the outcome of this election. Sometimes life has strange timing.

I'm excited about "Mrs. Job"

OK, I'm claiming bragging rights, but I'm flying high about the publisher's evaluation of Mrs. Job: "This is a wonderful and unique presentation that should find a strong audience.  This reviewer has never seen a work based on the perspective of Job's wife despite the myriad of studies completed on the life of Job. The way the author portrays her and Job in relation to her is fascinating and engaging." Oh, and there's more: "It's easy to feel an emotional connection to Dara and to Job; the author's professed love for both characters is evident and readers will share that feeling.  Overall the characters are wonderfully crafted and believable."

Please forgive me while I preen. (or is that reserved only for male birds.)

And speaking of forgiveness, I just got word of good stuff that came of someone's reading "Forgiving One Page at a Time." Real forgiveness followed as the person described "I got it. It's really down to earth and practical, and I got it."

OK. Now back to preparing for whatever comes of November 4.

6% for the governor

I finished my purchase and the salesperson added, "and 6% for the governor." How hard would it be to speak the truth: "6% for the health, safety, and well-being of our community?" Call me naive, but I wonder where the money to repair the collapsed 35W bridge or to prevent further collapse is supposed to come from? Or the money for the police and fire vehicles I hear regularly sirening their way north or south on highway 41 visible from my kitchen window. Or support of our schools which should be the best we can offer our children. Or keeping our land free of pollution. Or solutions to the problems of homelessness and starvation.

Maybe it's because I've been around so long, but I can remember when we pulled together as a community to make life better for all of us. Did it take the horror of WWII to do that, following up on the disaster of the "great" depression? Do we have some kind of objection to peaceful progress?

'Nuff said for today.

I'm excited about "Mrs. Job"

I found a clergy person willing to read my Mrs. Job manuscript. I admit, I was excited and scared. After all, she is steeped in Biblical history. She could have nicely told me that I had strayed too far from the Biblical source, or from the reality of life in the desert, or that the writing was dull. Instead, she called to tell me that she didn't just like it; she loved it. She said more good stuff, but I don't know that it's appropriate to repeat that until she puts it in writing herself. She said she'll write a blurb for me for the back cover. 

Based on a recent e-mail, I should soon be receiving the editorial evaluation from iUniverse, the publisher. That might turn out to be a downer. Who knows? But for now I'm going to bask in the pleasure.

Thinking About the Day of my Birth

OK. I can't pass myself off as 65 any more. (As if I ever could once I passed 66) But I feel an intense need to be open about my birthday coming up on October 28. Among other things, I find myself thinking a lot about my mother as an intensely pregnant woman anxious to get me out into the world. My big sister points out that Mother was carrying me in an optimistic time. The family's new home in Forestville, Connecticut, was being completed and would be ready to occupy a month after my birth. The headlines in the New York Herald Tribune were: "Briand Takes Post As Socialists Join Radical in Cabinet. (That was referring to French politics); "Connecticut Tariff Lobby Called Greedy;" "Scientist Checks Cancer Cells After Growth in Living Tissues;" "Coudert Puts 337 Murders Up to Banton: 190 Slayings Last Year Without Penalty in Manhattan Alone, Says opponent of Justice Grain;" "LaGuardia Trend Spurs Republican Final-Week Drive." Oh, and by the way, a lesser headline was, "Mussolini Calls Fascism Perfect at Celebration."

The next day, October 29, 1929, the major headline was "Stocks Decline Heavily, Erasing All Year's Gains; Buying Near, Say Banks." And then the sub-headlines, "Market Support Ready, Bankers' Meeting Hears," and under that, "Heavy Purchasing by Investment Trusts Expected to Stabilize Stock Values Is View of Spokesman After Session in Morgan Office."

Been there? Done that? It's feeling almost spooky.

Friends and the Bright Shadow

I have just had such a wonderful conversation with my friend Edie Crawford in Connecticut that my thoughts are tumbling all over themselves. Edie is the kind of friend who looks at her phone ID and answers with a hearty "Mona , my dear." Now mind you, it's been two or three years since we last talked, but it might have been yesterday. I called with a question about the Shadow as it relates to the current election process, and ended up with wonderful insights into therapy, and just plain living. Edie is my Jungian guru, but she says she's moved on to an appreciation of Behavior Therapy. 

Here's the wonderful new emphasis she shared -- the "Bright Shadow." I love it, because it legitimizes my focus on reaching for the positive in every client. The Shadow, if you've forgotten, is that unconscious collection of stuff we don't want to admit into consciousness. Traditionally we tend to think of it as evil or, for some, the metaphorical devil. The typical therapy of the past, Edie points out, has tended to strengthen that negative side as people are encouraged to keep reaching for and talking about what has gone wrong in their lives, so often developing the witch side of mothers, and/or the negativity of fathers.

But, she suggests, for many, if not most, of us, what we've submerged is our positive side -- the positive Shadow -- the "Bright Shadow." (I can't help being aware specifically of my own Swedish Lutheran background which discourages "bragging about" the good in ourselves and encourages the admission of sin.) Traditional therapy has not only discouraged the emergence of the "Bright Shadow," but has actually empowered the forces that repress it. Here's where appreciation of the behaviorist approach comes in. What we've been doing is building up the part of the brain that supports the negative view of ourselves and our lives. To put it differently, we've been encouraged to conserve and strengthen our old fashioned brain waves. The key then, becomes helping to remove the blockages that prevent seeing our positives. Edie says she has become very straightforward about that. Just realize when you start going over what you regret doing, or the pain that's been inflicted by others, that you are strengthening a part of yourself that you'd do better to weaken. 

Edie pointed out the connection of the "Bright Shadow" to my forgiveness work. Especially when it comes to self-forgiveness, be aware that on the other side of regret is its opposite, optimistic hope. That seems to me to be a key, just to know that the opposite of regret is there for you to draw on, and you'll make the job easier by making the effort to stop rehearsing the negative. Edie and I have both been through divorce, so she referred to the tendency which we shared, at one point, to suddenly think, as we went through our day, "What did I do wrong that I didn't save the marriage?" or the tendency as parents to think "What damage did I cause my children with the way I parented them?" Stop and take yourself to the positive side -- the good times, the good things you tried, the good efforts you made.

OK. Just a sampler. We can certainly do this as we look at other people who distress and annoy us -- maybe especially during this pre-election time. What is the good side? ( Polyanna? I never did understand why people were so opposed to her. )

Mts. Job is on her way to iUniverse

It was a little like the last Presidential election, just when I thought maybe "Dara" was the winning title, more votes came in for "Mrs. Job." It was interesting to watch the passion behind the choices. I think "Mrs. Job" evoked slightly more excitement.  I hope that works out once she is the title of a book.

Now I've filled out most of the questions on line and submitted the manuscript. I'm still working on the descriptive blurb for the back page. Here's my first attempt. Any preferences? And by the way, a friend yesterday had trouble getting a comment in here, so, if you have an opinion, maybe you could e-mail me at forgivenessoptions@earthlink.net.

She was part of Job's joy and wealth, and in one day suffered with him the total loss of property and family.  They were her ten children and it was her way of life as well as Job's, but her loss was either overlooked or, worse yet, attributed to her transgression.  In this story, she is rescued as her life, friendship, love, conflict, agony, and ultimate victory play out. One editor "found it truly enjoyable, well-written, and thought it strikes a great balance between being a love story (...Job, God)... and statement of faith."

Where have I been? and Mrs. Job or Dara?

Sometimes I wonder what I've been doing with my time. I know I went to a delightful brunch in a friend's home last Tuesday and a fun and tasty meeting with a church circle on Wednesday. But what have I accomplished?  I sometimes wonder if that's a family curse, that "you must accomplish" idea. But really, I do wish I could just tick off some projects as completed. 

Take the book of Mrs. Job, for example. With the help of wonderful friends and family I've finally got the title narrowed down. Here's the choice, "Dara," (That's Mrs. Job's name in my story) or "Mrs. Job." .. no colons with additional information after them. I would really appreciate your vote on this.

And then there's the matter of forgiveness. I've been working up a one-day workshop scheduled for October 4 at Shepherd of the Hill Presbyterian church, but now there's the question whether there will be a large enough group that day, and should we postpone it to a time when more can come? (We chose October 4 because it was the closest Saturday to Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.) Go to the link for Shepherd of the Hill church (to your right)  and click on "education;" then go to "A Day of Atonement-Reconciliation." Or should I do a small group on the 4th if that's what shows up and do a larger one later... ? A couple of small groups have reviewed the forgiveness DVD I plan to use, and each time I learn more about people's thoughts on the matter and how I might present it better.

Oh, and there's Restorative Justice, a twin sibling of forgiveness. I recently did a presentation on that topic at the Adler Graduate School, learning a lot, of course, about how I might do it better. And it's good if I get better at it, because I'll be presenting a program on Restorative Justice on Tuesday, October 14, as part of the Dialogues series at Shepherd of the Hill. I need to get busy helping to make that fact known. Go to the Shepherd of the Hill Link and click on "Dialogues."

My biggest project -- that is, the one I promised myself I'd finish by the end of the day today, is to get the Mrs. Job (or Dara) manuscript off to iUniverse and get the ball rolling.  Before I could do that, I had to finish a bio, which they require, and an appreciations page which I wanted and needed to do, considering all the wonderful people who have helped me.

OK. That's enough chatting. Now I'll get down to business.

How do I say thank you?

I'm new to blogging, so please tell me how I can thank Mary for her lovely response to my post of September 1.

Help choose a title

I'm looking for a more gripping title for my "Book of Mrs. Job." Please help. Would any of these attract you with the thought of buying? (There will be a cover with the caves of Petra in the background and a beautiful woman with flowing sleeves in the foreground.)

• Steadfast conviction
• Wisdom's trials
• For better and for worse
• Or the suggestion of your choice.

Thanks

Discussing Restorative Justice

After my talk last Monday at the Adler Graduate School I had a request from one person for help in defending the concept of restorative justice. Obviously I can only respond with guesses as to the objections. A few points might help. First of all, back to the definition I cited: "Restorative justice is a theory of justice that emphasizes repairing the harm caused or revealed by criminal behavior.  It is best accomplished through cooperative processes that include all stakeholders." It is one of three concepts of justice which were presented, the other two being retributive justice, focusing on punishment, and social justice, attempting to reduce crime-producing conditions at ground level. 

It's natural to want to inflict pain on the offender as in retributive justice, and there are those who argue that the result would be reduction in crime as people anticipate what might happen to them if they were to offend. Another argument is that criminals are kept away from society so they can't offend again. The question I raised on Monday was whether and how well that approach works to reduce crime. 

Restorative justice evolved in part through the recognition that the primary focus of retributive justice is on the accused, leaving the victim on his or her own to heal. Seen in this way, restorative justice does not argue against punishment for crime so much as for paying more attention to the needs of the victim.  Hence the word "restorative." It has broadened, however, to include healing of the criminal, even if or while he or she is incarcerated or suffering some other punishment. There is growing evidence that it works to reduce crime, and to salvage the contributions both victim and offender can make to society.

Both retributive justice and restorative justice operate after the fact. There are those of us who feel strongly that the goal of crime reduction is best met by an increase in social justice. Yes, that's a huge job, but so is the maintenance of our penal system.

On Monday I spoke for over an hour, with the additional help of charts and handouts, so I hope it's clear that this is a sampler of a much more complicated issue.

It's mine to keep?

I've been asked to write about my Mrs. Job, and I will do that, but not today. Right now I'm having a very personal reaction to what I heard a young person say in a radio interview recently. "We are about to go to work," he said, "and we have a right to keep what we earn." This is a variant on, "I worked hard for what I have and I deserve to keep it." This tension between the personal and community, always there, is complex and exacerbated during a period of political controversy. I will refrain from doing the professorial thing of pontificating on these issues. I just want to talk about my own experience. 

The truth is, I have been pretty successful in my career, and I have worked very hard all along the way. At one point, back when my children were relatively young, I got annoyed with people's assumptions that college professors didn't work hard.  After all, they thought, we only had to show up in class a few times a week and talk. So I kept a minute by minute log of the time I put in during the week actually working at my paying job.  That didn't include time spent reading and studying stuff in my field.  It turned out that I was devoting 50 hours a week to my job.  And I still work, I'm happy to say, pretty much on my own schedule.  I do it because I don't want to stop, and because my success has not led to massive wealth. If I want to travel, I have to earn the money to do it.

But here's my point.  I did not do this hard work all by myself.  I grew up in a home where there were no cockroaches running regularly through my bedroom, nor were there rats nibbling at my toes. True, we did have a mouse in the house once -- a rare enough event that I remember it.  There were no gunshots forcing us to eat on the floor to escape the death that might come through our windows, and no toxic air making asthma inhalers common supplies in our school bags. I was free to walk the distance to the school bus stop without fear of being attacked, and, as far as I know, none of my friends fell victim to rape or incest. At the beginning of the school year I got new clothes and a new pencil box.  And I remember the thrill of the new crayons that were provided by the school system.

I was fortunate to have a mother and father with excellent parenting skills who encouraged my creativity and eagerness to learn, unbiased by the fact that I am a female.  More than that, I enjoyed their full financial support to attend Connecticut College (for Women at that time), a truly demanding college where academic excellence was encouraged, and partying was not.  I was even fortunate to attend college at a time when the institution acted in locus parenti, with the right to prevent self-destructive behavior on campus. I did work at the library and typing papers for classmates, and at various jobs in the summertime.  Most of my summers I worked at the Bristol Brass Corporation where my father was employed. I learned a lot from those jobs, and added to my personal funds. Perhaps most outstanding compared to today's graduates, I had no college loans to repay when I graduated. I was free just to move on to the next phase of my career.

Graduate school was next, and there my parents enhanced my earnings as a professor's assistant. Oh, let's not forget whoever it was who donated funds to Boston University that made it possible for them to grant assistantships and scholarships.  And I have to recognize the folks who had the courage to hire me, a woman, at a time when that was not so easy to do.

There's so much more that helped me, like access to good medical and dental care, and sufficient funds to eat healthily.  Besides all this, I lived in a nation and time when obstacles in my way were relatively minimal. So, what's my point? It really isn't all about me.  Sure, I worked hard, but that's not the entire reason for my success, or even the basic cause. I owe a huge debt to the community.

So, I just can't feel that I should get to keep it all because I worked hard for it.  I hope and believe that I have been rewarded for being a good steward of the gifts left in my care by community near and distant.

White Nail Polish

A response from a friend reminds me why I've been wearing nail polish the last few years. It's a friendship thing again. I was there when Hallie died. It must have been eight years ago, but it doesn't seem that long. She waited for me, I think, to make it from Minnesota to Cape Cod. The hospice folks were there, so they got to hear our last exchange. I rattled off silly stories from our years together, and she laughed a real Hallie laugh. Then she checked out. It was actually 2:00 a.m. the next morning when she finished her journey, but for all practical purposes, she ended her life with a laugh. 

What a gift for me to have been there. My daughter was with us too and was all gratitude for having been included in that blessed event. 

Some time later I realized I was wearing white nail polish pretty regularly. I've never been a nail polish kind of person, so I was a bit of a puzzle for myself. Then I remembered Hallie's hands as she lay dying, beautifully manicured with white nail polish. What a caring gesture it was for someone to take the time to give her that comfort in her last days.

Now I know, my white nails are a memorial to Hallie, as is remembering her childhood energy which greatly outmatched mine, and her smile which I spot on my face in the mirror sometimes.

Dunkin' Donuts

The new Dunkin' Donuts in Natick, Mass was our special stop on the way home to Connecticut from our apartment in Boston. It was 1955 and Lou and I were just married. Today's radio report (August 24, 2008) announced that Dunkin' Donuts is coming to the midwest. My arithmetic tells me that's fifty-three years. Fear of death by atomic bomb is not so powerful as it was then (though perhaps more realistic). The Korean conflict is long over -- finally recognized on Veteran's Day and in the Washington D.C. memorial as the real war it was. Our house with the fall-out shelter inspired by the Cuban Missile Crisis has long belonged to another family. The Vietnam War is over, but the fall-out remains. John F. Kennedy; Martin Luther King; Robert Kennedy, to name only the most frequently cited martyrs, have left their mark on rights for black citizens. Women have made great strides toward equality even though the equal rights amendment didn't make it. We all, men and women, still have a long way to go.

Lou and I, divorced after twenty years, can be grateful for our two healthy children and two healthy grandchildren. Friends remain a strong and powerful source of comfort. Lou's parents have completed their journey, as have mine. My brother and Lou's brother-in-law have moved on. The rest of us are, as my father once said, on our way out, but stretching exit time as long as possible.

The point is, we are all still here, making our small marks on the world. I need to remember that when I look at today's crises. So many years to contemplate and practice forgiveness and justice, and to fall short, 'cause we are human, and to learn from it. At least so far, life for us fortunate ones go on. Each of us can only do a small part toward extending that fortune to others, but we sure do try.

So welcome, Dunkin' Donuts. I guess we are all growing old, hopefully with as much energy as you display in coming here to challenge MacDonald's and Starbuck's, and maybe Caribou Coffee?

Appreciation of friends

I guess this isn't the deepest, or most dramatic or meaningful entry, but it's what's really on my mind today -- how much I appreciate friends.  I especially enjoy the friends who don't get jealous if I don't call or write them every week, but are there and ready whenever I reach out to connect, even after years. And many do the same occasional reaching out to me. It feels like the invisible waves that make cell phones work. You can't see whatever it is, but the connection is there just waiting to be dialed up wherever you, and they, happen to be.

I've felt such gratitude for those connections these past couple of weeks when I was appealing to people for help in marketing my forgiveness books. Frankly, I do hope some sales results will follow, but mostly I am just awed -- actually to tears -- with the caring responses. 

The flip side is the work it takes to figure out what I can do with this blog and with membership on Facebook and suggestions like writing for e-zine. Now I'm also exploring some of the suggestions for publishing "The Book of Mrs. Job." I must say, I do appreciate whoever it was who responded to the question, "How do you become a best seller?" with "... by being a best seller."  Fortunately I don't aspire to that, so I can take time to do all the other things I want to get involved in. 

Here's the bottom line. Thanks

What do Restorative Justice, Forgiveness, and Mrs. Job have in common?

On Monday, September 8, I'll be doing the cafe talk at the Adler Graduate School on the title of this blog. Does anyone want to guess?

In the meantime, I could use some help. I'll be publishing "The Book of Mrs. Job" maybe even by Christmas, but I'd like some catchy suggestions on what to add after the colon. At the present time it's "The Book of Mrs. Job: A Story of Love and Devotion." That really does describe what it is -- as one reviewer said, devotion both to Job and to God.  But mostly it's a fun, sometimes moving, read. The cover will show the caves at Petra where she wintered in her nomadic years, and -- against that backdrop -- a lovely woman in long, flowing sleeves, representing the wealthy wife she became. So, let me know if you think of anything.  I don't guarantee to use it, but I will certainly appreciate it.

And while I'm here, let me just add some stuff for clarification. I have several links over there on the right hand side. Most of them pertain to my forgiveness books, nice short helps for someone who has been victimized to turn that defeat into a victory, so to speak. Great, I think, for working out end of life issues with family as well as living relationship issues, but also responding to violence in a healing way. In all those crises, if you're like me, a shorter book focused only on you can be much more comfortable than one talking about stuff in general. You can order either of these directly from the publishers, or on Amazon.com. At the latter site you could add a comment. Or you could order a signed copy of either of them by going to my web site,  Forgiveness Options.

Unless cyberspace has betrayed me, you should be able to get quickly to any of those sites by clicking on the link.

Forgiveness and Restorative Justice -- Different?

I've been challenged to keep my blog focused on one topic in order to avoid confusion.  More specifically, it was suggested that I might have two blogs, one for Forgiveness and another for Restorative Justice. (Of course, in either case I'd reserve the right to talk about other stuff, like what happens when I can't sleep.)

The challenge came up when I referred to two things I'll be doing in October at Shepherd Of The Hill Presbyterian Church. (See my link to the church). On Saturday, October 4, I get the opportunity to do an all-day workshop on forgiveness and on Tuesday, October 14, I expect to participate in the dialogue series by presenting on "Save One; Save All: Restorative Justice/Restored Community."

I decided against separation into two blogs because Forgiveness and Restorative Justice rely basically on the same thing -- good problem solving as opposed to the emotional but vain and short-lived pleasure of vengeance.  In the long run, what action will do the most good for individuals and, more broadly, for the community of which we are a part? And both attend first to the needs of the victim(s) of wrongdoing.

It really is a matter of knowing what you can change

last night I went to bed relieved that I had solved blogger and link problems -- all with the help of my friends. "I'll really sleep tonight, I thought, now that I have that problem under control." And then I watched disturbing news on TV and lost all hope of falling asleep quickly. Usually I spend the hour before sleep time watching some CSI program or other. That's relaxing, 'cause I know it's all fiction, and it will be solved in the end. But real horrendous news, like the treatment of women in Afghanistan, is terribly stressful for an empath (that's what my son calls me) like me. 

This morning, I thought, "AHA!  That's it... a matter of control. The only person I can change is me. I can't change the Afghanistan situation -- not just before going to sleep, anyway. But I can restore my habit of watching fiction (or no TV at all) at bedtime."

And then I thought of the forgiveness of the Amish after the slaughter in their schoolhouse. That's it. There's nothing they could do to bring their children back, but they could control what they did themselves, acts of welcome and empathy to the family of the killer, acts that strengthened their own belief in themselves and their faith. How far that is from the desire for vengeance that nature often drives us to -- an act which either makes our own problems tougher, or gets us in personal trouble with the law, or leaves us frustrated because we really can't do anything about it, or escalates into destructive war of one kind or another. 

Knowing oneself and being in control of the behaviors that follow really is the essence of good health and forgiveness.

Searching for answers

And the answers I need today are very practical ones. How do I create a link? Has this reached the e-mails of my guinea pig friends. Will you forgive me for being annoying?

The basic rule for everything psychological

The only person you can change is yourself. This is the great and peace-granting first discovery in working through your reaction to hurt.

Opportunity, are you knocking?

What a wonderful response I got when I asked my friends for brilliant ideas on how to market my forgiveness books, and even get The Book of Mrs. Job published. I'm just getting started on developing smarts about the internet, but it took me no time to appreciate the love I felt when so many e-mailed me with suggestions. From all over the country came suggestions. Thanks, I'll keep you posted.